IN
SWIRLY LETTERS
By
Johnny Culver
CHARACTERS
Flossie
Lucibelle
Delaney
Stanley
Mother
Arnie
The
waiting area of a local auto repair center.
A
wet summer day in the 1970’s. About 2pm.
The
door blows open.
Flossie
and Lucibelle enter from the street.
LUCIBELLE
(Shaking off her umbrella)
Good lord, all that
rain. I am going to have to put these shoes by the radiator in the bathroom
when I get home.
FLOSSIE
(Stands in raincoat and hat)
It is summer, Lucibelle;
the radiator in the bathroom isn’t turned on. What is this filthy place?
(Takes paper clock from door and
tosses it aside)
Lousy
clock. It has the
wrong time. If it was that time, that
time the clock says, I’d be home, writing up my cosmetic orders. Getting them ready to mail in. I have a mail order beauty
care business, you know.
(Looks around, and takes clock off
door)
Who
buys a clock made of lousy cardboard? It’s gonna get ruined in all this rain.
What kind of people use a lousy cardboard clock. Why does an auto repair center sell cardboard
clocks?
(drops
clock to floor)
Good
thing I’m not selling my cosmetics, door to door today. They would all wash
right down the lousy drains! All those cosmetics right down the sewers. The
storm drains.
LUCIBELLE
Pick
up the clock, Flossie and put it back. It’s not a clock, anyway. It’s there to
tell the customers when Stanley, the repairman, will be back from lunch. The repairman who has been working on my Pinto.
(Looks around)
Where
is my Pinto? Stanley? Maybe we should take a number…
FLOSSIE
Repairman,
huh?
(Picks up clock)
Maybe he’d like to buy
come of my cosmetics. Bet if he works here, he may NEED cosmetics. Ugly people
work in places like this. I wish I had my sales kit with me. My…valise.
(drops
clock)
But you had to make me
lock it up in the trunk of your Pinto. Who is going to steal a cosmetics sales
kit? A …valise?
LUCIBELLE
Don’t start, Flossie…let’s
just get the Pinto and get back home. Maybe Stanley has fixed that noise. That banging and thumping.
FLOSSIE
It is not easy selling
from my sales catalog. Lucibelle, I told you how hard it is. Times are hard for
everyone.
LUCIBELLE
Don’t
start with that silly cosmetics catalog again…this is an
Pinto repair center, they have no need for cosmetics…let’s just get my Pinto
back and…oh; look they have the morning newspaper here. The Poughkepsie
Press. With the TV listings!
(Takes the newspaper)
Ever
since they moved Tattletales and Mike Douglas, I have not been able to
find them anywhere on the dial…anytime! Anytime I am home, that is.
FLOSSIE
(Sadly)
I’d really like to put
an advertisement in that morning newspaper…”Cosmetics
by Flossie Arena”…all in swirly letters… near the TV listings…maybe a
photograph of me, holding my…valise.
LUCIBELLE
Your name is not Arena,
it is Litsky. Flossie Litsky. Where is my Pinto?
FLOSSIE
(Sadly)
The
once soon to be Mrs. Arena. Mrs.
Arnold Arena. Mrs. Arnie Arena.
LUCIBELLE
Please, Flossie, don’t
start with Arnie again……
FLOSSIE
We used to sit at his
kitchen table, Arnie and me, and he’d read to me from his Readers Digest–
(Loudly)
Enlarged
Type. He smelled so nice with his English Leather
Cologne. He certainly kept the mosquitoes away.
(Tries to undo her scarf)
Oh
this lousy scarf is in a knot! If Arnie was here, he would have untied it, so
thoughtful he was
LUCIBELLE
You
told me. Thoughtful and kind. But you didn’t really
know too much about him, did you? If you knew more about him, maybe he wouldn’t
have left town, abruptly. Maybe Poughkeepsie ran out of English Leather
cologne. At the rate he was using it…
FLOSSIE
(Tugs at scarf)
None of that mattered
to me. When he would read to me the rules of the Draw Sparky contest from his
Readers Digest –
(loudly)
Enlarged
Type.
(Normal voice)
It’s
as though I could see little Sparky right here, in my heart. Arnie squinted,
just like little Sparky, because of his eye problem. Arnie’s,
not Sparky’s. But now Arnie is gone…he left so quickly.
(Takes out box of candy)
LUCIBELLE
(Looks around)
Maybe
my Pinto is out back…in the rain…then I won’t have to get it washed. Flossie,
you’re eating candy? Where did you get that candy?
FLOSSIE
I
found them. In Mother’s room. She’s been away so long,
it seems; I didn’t want the candy to go stale. Funny that Mother didn’t take
the candy with her when she went to visit her sister, Bedelia, in Syracuse.
It’s been a few days…
LUCIBELLE
Mothers’
leaving was…unexpected. Bedelia had fallen and hurt herself. She’s not
young…Bedelia. We haven’t seen her in so long! All alone on
that cow farm. I wish Mother would write or telephone…she’s never been
out of Poughkeepsie…I’m a little concerned.
FLOSSIE
Bedelia
loves candy so, as I remember. She likes my cosmetics too. I should mail her a cosmetics
catalog, one day. To Syracuse. Maybe I’ll mail Arnie a
cosmetics catalog, too. Just to make sure he hasn’t forgotten about me. Maybe
the post office is forwarding his mail to…wherever he is now.
LUCIBELLE
Don’t
start...
FLOSSIE
I
learned so much from him. Whenever I was with him, it was like I was
attending…Arnie U! Those beautiful two years. Arnie would have had the sense
not to drag me out in this rain. Like you did this afternoon.
Arnie wouldn’t have brought me to some lousy Pinto repair shop!
(Starts to cry)
Oh Arnie….we were
supposed to attend the July Poughkeepsie lawn disco…together!
LUCIBELLE
I have to get back to
work. What time did that clock say? When the repairman will
be back. Stanley, I think? Pick up the clock.
FLOSSIE
I don’t want to talk
about Arnie any more, it’s so difficult everywhere I look, I
see him.
(Goes to mirror and pulls at scarf,
looks away, startled)
See, I just saw him, in
the mirror. I am trying to untie this lousy scarf. Undo the knot in the scarf
that Arnie gave me. And I saw his face!
Those squinty eyes…
LUCIBELLE
Don’t start on that
again, Flossie.
(Looking around)
Is anyone going to wait
on me? I only have an hour for lunch. I have to get back to Woolworths and my
register. My register is the busiest. Everyone wants their candy weighed!
(loudly)
I have to get back to
weighing and bagging candy!
Stanley and a policeman enter.
Oh,
finally! Stanley! Is my Pinto ready? I took a number!
(hands him
the number)
I
have to get back to Woolworths. Officer Delaney! What a surprise. I usually see
you on the other side of my counter.
DELANEY
Lucibelle, you may want
to use the telephone on the wall and let Woolworth’s know that you won’t be
going back to work this afternoon.
FLOSSIE
Is it raining that
badly? If Arnie were in town, I could have telephoned him and he would have
come and pick us up. And you’re not that ugly, Stanley.
LUCIBELLE
Arnie didn’t drive,
Flossie. He could barely see two feet in front of him. What are you talking
about, Officer?
FLOSSIE
He
would have come in a taxicab. Or taken the crosstown bus. From the other side
of Poughkeepsie.
LUCIBELLE
Never mind…were you
able to fix my Pinto, find out what that noise was? That
banging and thumping?
FLOSSIE
Maybe it was my
cosmetic sales kit, in the trunk.
(Tries to look sophisticated for Stanley)
My…valise.
I hope my samples aren’t broken. Are they, Stanley?
DELANEY
It’s a little more than
that, Flossie. A little more.
STANLEY
I found out what the
banging and thumping was…
LUCIBELLE
Where is my Pinto!
STANLEY
It’s in a safe place,
for now, Lucibelle, up there on the lift.
(Points up and off)
It’s a…
(Tries to sound official)
…crime
scene.
LUCIBELLE
A
crime scene? But I have to get back to work!
DELANEY
Call your job. Tell
them you’re going to be pretty late getting back there. Maybe that old lady
from the dress pattern department can take over for you. What’s her name?
STANLEY
Betty Hooker. Her name
is Betty Hooker. She was my music teacher in school. She gave everyone A flats.
FLOSSIE
No
one in their right mind would buy a dress pattern in this wet weather. It would
be soaked by the time you got it home, and since it is summer and the radiators
aren’t turned on, you could never dry it out, and before you know it, the July
Poughkeepsie Lawn Disco has come and gone, and left you behind because you
never made a new dress and wasted all those yards of pretty
blue lightweight jersey knit polyester you bought …all because it was
raining today.
LUCIBELLE
Oh shut up, Flossie.
DELANEY
Here’s a dime for the
telephone.
STANLEY
I’ll unlock it for ya. The telephone. Gotta keep it locked. Can’t
trust people these days.
LUCIBELLE
I’ll be right back. I
never…!
(She marches off with Stanley)
FLOSSIE
Well, I had better be
going. Officer, could you give me a lift back to my home? On
Beech Street? 130 Beech Street?
DELANEY
Miss Litsky, may I ask
you a few questions?
FLOSSIE
(flurting)
Call me Flossie. That’s
what Arnie called me.
DELANEY
Arnie?
FLOSSIE
An
old flame of mine…Arnold Arena. He wasn’t good enough for me, so I had to let
him go. Send him on his way. He just wasn’t up to my lifestyle. Not much fun,
either. All he ever wanted to do was read the Readers Digest…
(loudly)
…Enlarged
type. I lead a very busy life, you know. I have a cosmetics business.
DELANEY
Yes,
I know. I’ve seen you around town with your makeup case.
FLOSSIE
It’s
a…valise.
DELANEY
Flossie,
when did you last see your mother?
FLOSSIE
(Snaps out of it)
My
mother? What? Well, I don’t know. When
she went to visit her sister, Bedelia. In Syracuse.
Maybe a few days ago. I don’t remember. Maybe if you gave
me a ride home in your squad car, I could remember a little better.
DELANEY
Did
she ever get to Syracuse?
FLOSSIE
Well,
I don’t see why not. The Greyhound bus goes to Syracuse. Mother must have been
on the Greyhound bus. So she got to Syracuse. It makes perfect sense. And why
would Bedelia tell us that Mother was not there. She had fallen and hurt
herself. Mother said so. She said it to us “Girls, Bedelia fall down, go boom.”
That’s just what she said.
DELANEY
So Bedelia telephoned
your mother?
FLOSSIE
Now that’s silly. How
could she telephone if she had fallen and hurt herself? She lives alone. 0n that cow farm. The nearest telephone is a mile away from
her. In Mayfield, the smallest town you ever did see. The post office is also
the filling station, and the bank is also the dry cleaner -
DELANEY
Then
she wrote to your mother? A letter?
FLOSSIE
That’s
even sillier. Those cows on her farm can read and write better than she can.
.Plus, the closest post office is in Mayfield…a mile away…
(thinks)
…then,
just how did Mother know that Bedelia had fallen and hurt herself? I may need
my cosmetics…valise…to figure this out.
DELANEY
Flossie,
Bedelia passed away two years ago. It was all over the Syracuse newspapers. She
was a very wealthy woman.
FLOSSIE
What?
I don’t believe…Bedelia…gone? But how? It must have
been those cows. Bedelia always said they looked at her strangely when she was
milking them. They took…revenge!
LUCIBELLE
(Entering with Stanley
Well,
that must have been the last straw. The manager at Woolworths told me to report
to the dress pattern department tomorrow morning. I bet they gave my job
weighing candy and nuts to that Betty Hooker from the dress pattern department…I
want my Pinto back!
FLOSSIE
Lucibelle,
Aunt Bedelia is dead! The cows took revenge! The killed her, took her money and
are living the high life. Munching on the
best grass in Syracuse! Content as cows!
LUCIBELLE
Oh
shut up, Flossie. Mother is with Bedelia right now, nursing herself
back to health…she fall down, go boom, remember?
DELANEY
That’s not quite the
case, Lucibelle, and I think you know it.
LUCIBELLE
Then…where is mother?
(From offstage and above stage we
hear MOTHER)
MOTHER(off)
For
God’s sake Lucibelle, can’t you ‘fess up to anything? I think that stale candy
at Woolworths has more gumption than you do!
LUCIBELLE
Mother?
Where…where are you?
MOTHER
(off)
Up
here, Lucibelle Litsky, you good for nothing halfwit.
LUCIBELLE
I can’t see you. Where?
FLOSSIE
Mother?
(Looks up, then out)
Oh no, the cows got to
Mother, too! Trampled into the afterlife by a herd of greedy
cows. Curse you, bovines!
MOTHER
(off)
Flossie
Litsky, you ninny. .I am up here,
in the trunk of your cowardly sister’s Pinto!
LUCIBELLE
Oh, Mother, what on
earth are you doing in there?
FLOSSIE
Is my …valise…all right
up there? Every sample in place?
MOTHER
(off)
I don’t know, Flossie. Here, take a look!
(We hear the trunk open and Flossie’s
valise drops to the floor from above)
Get me down!
DELANEY
Lucibelle, Mother
Litsky told me how she got in that trunk of yours.
LUCIBELLE
She did? Now maybe she
can tell me, too.
FLOSSIE
My Valise…good, not a
scratch…
(Opens case)
Oh my goodness! What’s
this? Oh the horrors!
LUCIBELLE
What now, Flossie? This
really isn’t the time to…
(Looks in case)
…oh, my…
FLOSSIE
Someone has been nibbling
on my cosmetics samples! My lipsticks, my powders! How horrible! My cosmetics
career is over!
MOTHER
(off)
If you think that’s
horrible, you should see the spare tire up here…not to mention my teeth. I’ll
have to soak them for a week to get the stains off…get me out of this trunk.
Down from here!
DELANEY
Lucibelle, Mother
Litsky said you locked her in the truck and were going to take her down to the
Hudson River to drown her.
LUCIBELLE
What? Why on earth
would I want to do that?
FLOSSIE
Cause you hate her and
would do anything to get her out of your life. That’s what you always tell me.
LUCIBELLE
I never said that!
FLOSSIE
You said it on the way
over here. You said you hope she would stay at Bedelia’s farm forever and never
come back. You didn’t care how many times Bedelia had to fall down, go boom.
LUCIBELLE
Just
because I say something. Doesn’t mean…Officer Delaney, I
don’t know how Mother got in the trunk. Why didn’t she scream or yell. I would
have heard her from the front seat.
MOTHER
(off)
Because
I was bound and gagged. My best Arbor Day hanky…stuffed in
my mouth, so I couldn’t talk. I’ve kept
that hanky for years and years. Now it’s ruined. Stained for
life.
FLOSSIE
Bound and gagged?
That’s terrible! Lucibelle, how could you …
(Thinks)
…how could anyone…
(Thinks)
…nibble on my cosmetics
if they were bound and gagged? How could they open my …valise? I think you’re
lying, Mother! Lying about being bound and gagged. My…valise doesn’t lie.
LUCIBELLE
Mother,
you had better get down here right this instant! Stanley, lower that Pinto.
Harriet Litsky, I want a work with you!
DELANEY
I think you had better
do as she says, Stanley.
STANLEY
Yes, Officer. And I’ll
lock the door, so no one tries to …escape.
(He goes off)
LUCIBELLE
Of all the silly things
to ever happen. Never in my life have I
ever experience such silliness.
We hear the car being lowered
FLOSSIE
I
may have to stop by the Woolworths on the way home to get some white shoe polish.
Look at the scuffmarks on my…valise. Maybe I’ll stop by the candy counter and
say hello to Betty Hooker. Care to join me, Officer?
LUCIBELLE
Shut
up, Flossie. Stop flirting. You are shameless.
(Mother appears, disheveled)
All right, Mother, what
were you doing the trunk of my Pinto?
MOTHER
What trunk? What Pinto?
I’m feeling a little dizzy.
LUCIBELLE
Cut
the crap, Mother. What is going on? God’s sake, being around you is like being
around a child. Always getting into trouble. I don’t
have one younger sister, I have two younger sisters! You wonder why I spend so much time working
at Woolworths? To keep away from you two!
DELANEY
That’s no way to talk
to your mother, Lucibelle. My apologies, Harriet.
STANLEY
I’d never talk to my
mother that way.
LUCIBELLE
Butt out, you two. Mother what were you doing in the trunk of my
Pinto?
MOTHER
Could I really pass for
your sister? Arnold always said I- oops, well, let’s go home dear.
(Looks off nervously)
We’ll laugh and forget
about this all by dinnertime.
FLOSSIE
Arnold…Arnie…just
hearing his name…makes it feel like he is right here….with me, reading to me
from his Readers Digest –
(loudly)
Enlarged
Type. I can hear his voice…smell his English Leather
Cologne.
LUCIBELLE
I can’t take
another…shut up, Flossie!
MOTHER
Listen to your sister,
Flossie.
FLOSSIE
No, I can really smell
his cologne…it’s so strong, so close…
(Sniffs the men one by one)
Texaco motor oil and
dial soap…jelly donut and cigarettes….you should try a little Dial soap, too,
Officer…
(Sniffs Lucibelle)
Roasted peanuts, candy
apples and…Oh, Lucibelle, I’m sure it’s cocktail hour somewhere.
(Goes to Mother and sniffs)
Aha! Mother, you smell
just like Arnie’s cologne! His English Leather.
(Looks off nervously)
LUCIBELLE
Mother?
FLOSSIE
Mother, has Arnie been
reading to you from his Readers Digest –
(whispers)
Enlarged Type?
MOTHER
Of course not, I can
read my own Readers Digest. Let’s go home.
LUCIBELLE
With my Pinto-
FLOSSIE
(Looking about)
Arnie?
Arnold Arena! I know you’re here. It’s me, your lovely bride to be, the future
Mrs. Flossie Arena! You’ve come back to me! Back to me and my…valise.
ARNIE
(Entering)
Harriet,
you were right, both your daughters are a little off. Now let’s blow this joint
and have a little fun! Hey, Flossie, baby, long time no see. Well, gotta be
moving on, I got places to be and people to be with. Still carrying that stupid
suitcase full of junk, I see.
STANLEY
How
did you get in here? The place is locked. Officer, we have an intruder! Arrest
him!
MOTHER
There
is no need to arrest anyone. Arnold is here …with me…in the trunk…
LUCIBELLE
I
don’t believe this.
FLOSSIE
(Looking about)
I don’t believe this
either, Arnie. You came back for me!
MOTHER
Flossie,
you ninny. He didn’t come back for you. He’s been
here all the time…with me…
LUCIBELLE
In
the trunk of my Pinto?
MOTHER
If our plan had worked,
you wouldn’t have your Pinto right now. We were planning on heisting that pile
of bolts and rubber and head up to Syracuse…together…Bedelia left her farm and
her cows to me.
ARNIE
But
you had to ruin it, Lucibelle. A few days ago, Harriet and I were, er, giving
the back seat of your Pinto a little test run, and you
came into the garage a little unexpectedly, so we pulled down the back seat and
slipped into the trunk. Someday, I hope
they invent a trunk that opens from the inside. For special
moments like this. For two days we’ve been cooped up in there. With nothing to do.
MOTHER
Oh,
we had plenty of things to do.
FLOSSIE
Then
I was right. You didn’t visit Aunt Bedelia! See, Lucibelle, I’m not so stupid
after all.
ARNIE
No
Flossie, you really are pretty stupid. You see, I never told you where I was
from, where I came from, two years ago…
MOTHER
Arnold,
No!
DELANEY
Let
em talk, Harriet, we gotta hear all sides –
STANLEY
- of the story.
FLOSSIE
You
said you were a drifter, riding the wind.
ARNIE
I
rode the wind all the way from Mayfield, upstate, where I found out two years
ago that your Aunt Bedelia kicked the can –
FLOSSIE
- I thought the cows did that.
ARNIE
I
worked in the filling station, which also served at the post office. One day I
was sorting mail and I caught a glance at a letter from your Aunt Bedalia’s lawyer, saying that Harriet here –
MOTHER
Call
me…Hattie…
LUCIBELLE
Can
you just get to the point to I can get back to work before Betty Hooker takes
over my job…weighing candy and nuts?
STANLEY
I
always thought you were a little thumb heavy on the scale, Lucibelle. This may
be a perfect career switch for Betty Hooker, since she don’t got
no thumbs.
FLOSSIE
She
used to be the music teacher over at the high school. .Playing
that Zither for thirty years sure wreaked havoc on her thumbs. I hear
she keeps them in a jar next to her cold cream on the windowsill in her
kitchen-
LUCIBELLE
Shut
up! Never say THUMB again! Can you all just focus on one thing at the time?
Arnie! Speak!
ARNIE
..That
Hattie here was left the farm, the house, the cows…she was rich. So I Went over
to the highway, stuck out my, sorry Lucibelle, thumb, and hitched wall the way
down here to Poughkeepsie.
MOTHER
All
the time he was serenading you with his Readers Digest, Flossie, he was really
thinking about me. Why did you think I sent you out selling your cosmetics so
often? So Arnold and I could be alone. And we would be alone together, forever
if we had only gotten away in your Pinto.
LUCIBELLE
But
you don’t drive; Mother and Arnold here can’t see two feet in front of him. How
were you going to get to Bedelia’s farm?
ARNIE
You
get behind the wheel of that jalopy and put the pedal to the metal, Lucibelle.
There some good money in it for your chauffeuring services. I think we got a
few job openings at the Woolworths in Mayfield, which is
also the fire station and the funeral parlor.
LUCIBELLE
And
leave Poughkeepsie?
(thinks)
You got yourself a
deal, Mr. Arena! You see, Officer
Delaney, no crime has been committed. If you don’t mind, Stanley, I’ll just
take my Pinto now, if you please. We’ll head back home, pick up a few things,
and be on the farm by nighttime!
(goes to
Flossie)
Well, Flossie, goodbye.
I am sure one of these kind gentlemen will give you a lift home. Best of luck in your cosmetics career. Come on, Mother.
Stanley?
(She and mother and Stanley leave)
FLOSSIE
(to
herself)
No
crime has been committed…I guess this is goodbye, Arnie, I’ll think of you
often. I could have been Mrs. Arnold Arena…in swirly letters…but now I’m all
alone…
ARNIE
See
ya round town, Toots…not!
(he laughs
and starts to walk off)
Hattie,
where are you, I can’t see too well, you know.
FLOSSIE
…no
crime has been committed, huh?
(She picks up her valise)
Oh
Arnie, just one more thing before you go.
ARNIE
(Turns)
Now
what?
(Flossie takes her valise and
swings it as hard as possible, and lets go, flying it in the air, knocking
Arnie to the ground)
FLOSSIE
Oh
look, Arnold Arena fall down go boom…you can take me home now, Officer. After we stop by the Woolworths. I hear there’s a job
opening in the Dress Pattern department. Perhaps my name tag will be…in swirly
letters…
(She takes Delaney’s arm and they
walk off, leaving Arnie out cold on the floor)
END
OF PLAY