Tylertown Tidbits Today

 Part One

By Ms Donna Glotz

November 25th 2006

 

Good day faithful readers of thirty five years! Yes, this issue of the Town Tooter, which you are reading on your computer screen, marks my thirty fifth year of  writing entertaining, informative, investigative and honest columns that you  residents of Tylertown, Ohio, have enjoyed for thirty five years!

 

I guess the number thirty five is special to me, because that’s exactly how old I feel!  My excellent taste in youthful clothing and trim figure baffle many residents of this booming town!

 

It is hard to believe it has been thirty five years since I started writing my column at age 25. I have changed, as Tylertown itself. The once dead, dusty streets and deserted storefronts of downtown have been replaced by traffic and lively thriving businesses. Any reader of mine strolling on Main Street will most likely find me enjoying a quick meal at Taco Bell, Long John Silvers or any of the other fine establishments (Wednesday is senior day!). We all have to thank for this rejuvenation the now largest business in the county, Otto Digital Internet Electronics, "Odie", whose owner, the mysterious elusive Frenchman, Otto Paraket, employs over 500 local residents. We and the residents of Duck County thank you, Odie!

 

Other changes in the past thirty five years, I no longer live in that ratty bungalow on the outskirts of Tylertown, but am now a resident of the tallest building in the county, The Duck County Retirement Home. I am fortunate enough to have a room on the 6th floor, overlooking the Walmart parking lot at the Hilltop Mall. However, hat ratty old bungalow is has not been condemned; it is the home of my ex-husband, Larry Pinkel, and his constant companion, Carl. The back room and kitchen are just as they always were, faded and rickety, but the front room has been transformed into a quaint antiques shop, where the two make a semi-respectable living selling valentines day cards and junk they find at the county dump. Be sure to see all their questionable wares and their smiling faces at www.larryheartscarl.com!

 

But what has changed the most in the past thirty five years is the absence of my former editor, Edna Mueller. After publishing the Town Tooter for many decades, Edna retired New Years Eve 1999, and, finishing a second pack of Pall Malls, she passed away that evening. The publication was taken over by her grandson, Jake, who promptly sold the Town Tooter office on Main Street (you can still see the desk where yours truly sat in the H and R Block tax office which replaced it.

 

I now compose my column on the computer in the corner of the rec-room at the retirement home, and then whisk it by email to Jake, at his office in sunny California. A few days later, my column (edited for clarity) appears at www.towntooter.com, where you must be if you are reading this!

 

But I am straying form what I want to talk to you readers about. The word is addiction. I have a confession to make. I am addicted. Now, before you clutch your pearls in shock, I must explain. I am not addicted to alcohol (once Millie Carnations 7/11 store stopped carrying Rheingold beer back in the 80’s, I swore off the stuff), I am not addicted to tobacco (after seeing what cigarettes did to Edna Mueller) Hold onto your hats folks, I am addicted to…Mamas Family!

 

It all started harmlessly enough. Here I was alone in the basement TV lounge, flipping thru the few channels available at 8pm on a recent night. Overhead I could hear the other residents having a grand time at the Center’s Friday Pasta, Chili and Chianti Night. Chili gives me gas and Chianti hits me like a load of bricks, so I feigned a headache and headed downstairs.

 

Since the center only provides basic cable (premium can be ordered for your room, if you have a television, unlike me), we only get a few channels, including Titan TV (WBTC-TV 15 on your remote!) I settled back in the worn covered sofa, ready to be disgusted by another installment of “Dual Action Cleanse with Klee Irwin:” But instead of Klee Irwin appearing on the dusty screen, I was greeted by none other than the stellar Vicki Lawrence and the other talented cast members of “Mamas Family”.

 

Readers, I have never spent thirty minutes laughing so hard in my life! I bet those partiers above me had to have another glass of Chianti just to drown out my guffaws. Vicki plays Thelma Harper, better yet, despite the cheap grey wig and lack of makeup, she IS Thelma Harper. Her jokes are on target, and her insults are sharp as a tack. She rips on her son, Ken Berry, his blonde wife, and their two spoiled teenage children. They live in an old house in a small town in the Midwest, and are visited by all types of wacky characters, including Margaret Hamilton’s daughter as brainy Iola and Betty White from Password, In this episode, Vicki loses her eyeglasses and looks through the house for them, with hilarity ensuing! Who knew a visual impairment could be so funny?

 

Well, after that episode came another, this one featuring superstar Carol Burnett, playing Mamas star struck drunken daughter, always with a zinger or two ready to shoot from her beer filled mouth!

 

My fortune was short lived, however, as nine o’clock brought a repeat of Rhoda, which I had seen when it originally aired in 1976. (This writer has a memory like an elephant, readers!) It also brought into the TV lounge and close to the sofa one very Chianti, chili and pasta stuffed Doris Henkel, whose room is right under mine. Knowing Doris’ digestive system pretty well, I quickly left the TV lounge and made a bee line to the corner of the rec room, where I pushed away old pilot Wheedle (he is quite the solitaire player), logged onto the World Wide Web and began my search of all things Mama!

 

Editor: Part two of this column will be published next week, right under celebrity Horoscopes!

 

Tylertown Tidbits Today

 Part two

By Ms Donna Glotz

JanuarY 25th 2007

 

 

Good day faithful readers! I hope that I have not upset you too much, but for the past few months I have been recovering from a terrible case of bronchitis, which had kept me “snowbound” here at the Duck County Retirement Home. Not to worry, I didn’t miss out on the holiday season. My neighbor, Doris Henkel, was thoughtful enough to put up a festive Christmas tree in the hallway between our rooms (she moved up to the 6th floor after Thanksgiving), and I was able to enjoy the multitude of shoppers coming in and out of the Walmart parking lot just outside my window. Doris’ room is on the other side of the building and her window overlooks the  entrance ramp to Route 250, so I, of course allowed her some holiday cheer and let her look out of my window on occasion during the holiday season.

 

We would sit and chat and look out the window, drinking hot Red Rose tea with lemon, nibbling broccoli with Kraft French Onion dip and reminiscing about holidays past. Unfortunately, the broccoli seemed to disagree with Doris delicate digestive system, bringing our little visits to an abrupt end.

 

My ex husband Larry, and his constant companion Carl, visited frequently. Well, as frequently as they could, taking time away from their holiday greeting card business ( I really think their business consists of going to Walmart, buying several boxes of cheap Christmas cards, and gluing silver glitter to then) which they ran in the living room of my former bungalow, on the outskirts of town.

 

They would bring me Sunny Delight juice, cinnamon toast (I am allergic to wheat, as you all know, and Larry knows very well, so no toast for me.), and keep me up to date on their participation in the Piney Fork Community Theaters production of ‘The Man Who Came to Dinner”. Larry and Carl played the radio men, who came to some house at Christmastime, to set up a microphone. And, due to a shortage of women in the cast, Larry also played the next door neighbor, who, in horror, drops a jar of calves foot jelly on the floor of the stage.  Made from the stock of boiled calves' feet, it sounds pretty unappealing on toast, which I wouldn’t eat anyway, and you know why.

 

But that jar of jelly never got to smash to the floorboards. Two days before the opening, the entire cast, except for Larry and Carl, came down with bronchitis, and the production was cancelled. I guess they carried the virus from my room here directly to the Piney Fork Middle School auditorium, which had to be hosed down with Lysol. At least school was out and no children were infected. (I always look for the silver lining, readers)

 

But this column is not about sad news; I try to bring to you readers excitement and insight. And, being a professional, I finish what I have started, so I am going to bring to a close the topic of my last column, my (short lived) obsession with Mamas Family!

 

You recall that night a few months ago, when I stumbled upon the hit comedy on the television in the rec room in the basement of the senior center. Well, ever since that fateful evening, I have been searching high and dry for more information about the talented Vicki Lawrence and her talented cast.

 

Using the computer in the corner of the rec room, I went onto the world wide web and found pictures, articles and more about the funniest show I have ever seen since ‘Tony Orlando and Dawn” back in the Seventies.. I even found a place where other fans of the program posted their own scripts and stories based on the wacky adventures of the characters. One, “Mama goes to San Francisco and Exposes a Child Trafficking Ring” is my favorite. Just the thought of Thelma Harper buying children on the black market makes me giggle.

 

Well, I also found videos of the program, as well as videos of related interest. One classic I discovered was Vicki Lawrence singing “The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia” on the Mike Douglas show. There were other clips, many too racy to discuss in this column. One featured Kristy Mac Nichol (remember her?) in a very mature and graphic love scene from the film version of Vicki’s above mentioned number one hit. Well, after viewing it a few times with Pilot Wheedle breathing down my neck, I decided that film clip had no place on the internet. I opened the CompuServe email program (The senior center is on a tight budget), and composed s stern letter to the person that allowed such filth to be seen on the internet, giving him or her a piece of my mind, and asked him or her to remove the clip as soon as possible

 

Well, after carefully spell-checking the email, I went to send the email. But rather than hit the SEND button.., I hit the nearly identical SEND TO ALL button, whisking my email and the address of the video in question to every email address (over 500) on the computer in the rec room of the Senior Center!

 

It wasn’t long before this tiny error made its way to management (Thanks Doris Henkel, no more looking out my window for you), who permanently banned me from use of the computer AND the rec room TV!

 

So, readers. I write this column on my manual typewriter by the window of my room. When complete, it will be mailed to my editor, Jake who will most likely edit it beyond recognition. If it does make it to www.towntooter.com, drop me a letter, or, better still, if you are in the Walmart parking lot, flash your lights and toot your horn, so I can see you from my window. I will be sure to reply with a hearty Mama‘s Family wave.!

 

Editor: Next Week, Doris Henkel will be sitting in for Donna with “Snacks for the Delicate Digestive System” Look for Donna to return soon.

 

The End