“A Little after Eleven”

A play in 5 scenes

By Johnny Culver

www.johnnyculver.com

johnnyculver@yahoo.com

631 898 4205

Violet Treadway – Early sixties, ordinary looking small town woman, a good listener, a good friend. One of the few remaining residents who still cares about her community. She has lived in this house on Deadwoods Street in Tylertown since she was born, with her parakeet, Otto, and more recently, Wilma Rae Soar.

Wilma Rae Soar – Early sixties, Violet’s companion for several decades. Owner and operator of Wilma Raes Beauty Barn (a single chair in the attached garage at 200 Deadwoods Street) for the same amount of time. She is a bit on the nervous side, always likes to be “in the know”, and is quick with an insult. She has a sister, Vera Mae in West Virginia.

Donna Glotz-Pinkel – Mid twenties, gawky, Donna is the society editor of the local paper, the Town Tooter, She recently moved to Tylertown with her husband, Carl Pinkel, from Cleveland, where she tried and failed to be part of high society. She is a terrible writer, has no interest in Tylertown, and less interest in the residents. She loves in a dream world of daytime TV, beer, and crawling out of the depressed hole she finds herself in these days.

The Girl Who Sweeps Up Hair – Late teens, assistant at Wilma Raes Beauty Barn, the GIRL is a walking dictionary. Dedicated to her job.

Millie Carnation – Late sixties, short, stout, Millie is the owner and operator of the local 7/11 store on Main Street. She has stuttered since youth, and has compensated for this by being as tough and stubborn as possible. She is knows by the others in town to be very thrifty.

Carl Pinkel (unseen)– Bone thin, hunched, wispy, screechy voiced, Carl, is the breadwinner of the Pinkel family, earning a living by collecting fares on the local bus service (a paneled van that circles Main Street during business hours). He does not have a driver’s license, as he is too timid and nervous to be behind the wheel.

Place: Tylertown, Ohio - A sleepy hamlet in Duck County, Ohio. The two lanes of Route 800 sweep right past both the town and residents, leaving them out of touch with the rest of Ohio.

Time: Early Summer of 1974, a damp morning.

Scene One: The Treadway kitchen on Deadwoods Street. The kitchen sink also serves as the hair shampooing location for the Wilma Raes Beauty Bran, a lone beauty chair in the garage. It is a wet morning. A little after eleven.

Donna and Wilma sit around the table. A cassette recorder is in the center. GIRL sits on a small stool, clipping the frayed straw from her broom.

WILMA RAE

(Droning on)

…and mix the potatoes in with the cabbage, careful not to separate any of the skin from the …

DONNA

(Watching a large portable television on wheels)

Are we ever going to get to the end of this?

(She loudly sips her beer)

I mean, really! How long is this going to be? I mean, the $10, 000 Pyramid is halfway over!

WILMA RAE

Donna Glotz! One of the rules of this writing club is that the writer be permitted to read until the end of their work.

DONNA

Who’s end, hers or mine?

(Gazes at television)

Oh, Dick Clark, take me away from all this-

WILMA RAE

If you can’t listen to my writing, at least think about what we talked about at last weeks meeting. Oh, that’s right, you weren’t paying attention. And it was only the most important thing this Tylertown Writing Club has ever discussed! Imagine! Our little club…is fundraising!

GIRL

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”

(Pause)

Winston Churchill.

DONNA

What is she talking…fundraising? I don’t remember…

(Gazes back at TV)

Oh, Dick Clark…

WILMA RAE

If you don’t want me to finish me reading my chapter on “Tasty Potato Salads on the Go”, just let me know…this is a-

(She points to the cassette player)

-live recording, you know!

DONNA

I don't want you to finish reading your chapter on Tasty Potato Salads on the Go. And why are you wasting a good cassette tape on this silly-

WILMA RAE

All right, let’s vote.

GIRL

“All men are created equal”.

(Pause)

Abraham Lincoln

WILMA RAE

I thought some of the customers here at my Beauty Barn may enjoy listening to my recipes while they’re under the dryer. That reminds me to call the repairman. Whenever I turn the hair dryer on HIGH, the garage door opens.

(Snaps her head back)

Violet Treadway! Get in here! We’re taking a vote!

DONNA

Vote…again? We just voted on beverages…and I won.

(Sips her beer loudly)

Wilma Rae…your recipes are as interesting as the…this…Eva Gabor Wig catalog!

(Brushes catalog aside)

VIOLET

(Entering from living room)

Wilma Rae, remind me to get more flax seed for Otto the next time we go to the Seven/Eleven. I have never seen a bird eat as much flax seed as him. For a sixty year old parakeet, he has some appetite! Wilma Rae, I must agree this –

(Reads over Wilma’s shoulder)

“Tips for Picnicking on Interstate Road Trips" could be more interesting.

WILMA RAE

(Agitated)

I’m not a professional cook, you know. I don’t know about this cooking industry and recipes and-

DONNA

Look, Wilma Rae, take it from a professional writer, you should write about what you know, like that hair stuff you do, out there at your…Beauty Barn, as you call that one broken chair in the corner of your garage.

WILMA RAE

Who’s the professional writer?

(Looks around)

Do we have a new member in the group?

DONNA

(Stands and pushes her chair back)

Me! I’m a professional writer. I get paid to write! I mean, The Town Tooter social column doesn’t write itself, you know. Why is everyone always so against me? You have all hated me since I moved to this crummy town.

VIOLET

Calm down, Donna, Don’t ruin another Friday meeting.

WILMA RAE

Your column is more like an anti-social column, Donna.

DONNA

Humph!

WILMA RAE

I pay the girl who sweeps up hair here-

(Waves at GIRL)

-five dollars a day to sweep up hair here at the Beauty Barn. Does that make her a –

(Thinks)

VIOLET

And I pay the girl who sweeps up hair five dollars to cut my lawn, Donna.

(Waves at GIRL)

Although then I call her the girl who cuts grass. Does that make her a professional lawn cutter? Although she does trim around the plum tree in the front yard very nicely.

WILMA RAE

The pits from that plum tree DO jam up the mower, Violet…

GIRL

Many young women are taking on additional responsibilities in this difficult economy

DONNA

What’s that supposed to…?

(Turns to Violet)

I thought you were on my side, Violet. I did a story about you last summer in my column. Front page of the Town Tooter. I even gave you a few free copies…

WILMA RAE

(Snaps fingers)

-professional hair sweeper upper?

VIOLET

(Ignores Wilma)

You said I was 99 years old and went to school with Grover Cleveland!

DONNA

Oh, I thought I wrote “You liked to drive the 99 miles to play pool in Cleveland.” I was just making your life a little more…exciting. I mean, after all…what was I supposed to write? That you buy your housedresses at Woolworths and live with a-

(Looks at Wilma Rae, then away)

-parakeet?

VIOLET

No one ever sees me in my housedresses, except for Wilma Rae, so why pay a lot for them, and I have had Otto for many years.

WILMA RAE

Many, many, many years!

GIRL

“A penny saved is a penny earned.”

(Pause)

Benjamin Franklin.

WILMA RAE

(Picking up a sheet of paper for the table)

Well Donna, let’s take a look at your writing assignment for this week. Your handwriting is hard to read…so drunkenly scrawled.

(reads)

“Mama Lou, Mama Cass-“

V

VIOLET

Wilma Rae Soar! Really!

(Switches off cassette player)

Maybe we shouldn’t be recording this conversation.

WILMA RAE

Or last week’s submission

(Reads another sheet)

“…there once was a girl from Martha’s Vineyard” You couldn’t even get the limerick right!

VIOLET

Like I always say…there’s a right way, there’s a wrong way, and there’s a Treadway!

DONNA

That’s it.

(Reaches for rain coat)

I’m out of this club for good! I’ll see you ladies in the papers!

(Calls into living room)

Carl Pinkel, get moving! We’re leaving! Oh, that cheap cologne he wears…I have a very sensitive nose, you know.

WILMA RAE

(Snort)

It should be…something that big…

VIOLET

Donna, let Carl stay here. He’s only off one day a week from his ticket taking duties on the bus, and he’s having such a good time looking over my old record albums. …that correspondence courses in music and art and poetry he is taking must have taught him so much, you know…maybe one day, we’ll see him on Mike Douglas.

(Peers through kitchen door)

Just look at him, so innocent, curled up beside my record player…going through my old collection of -

CARL (off)

“101 Strings perform Hits from Camelot!” Yeech! What a terrible record! I would never buy this record, let alone listen to it, let alone…

DONNA

Will you shut up in there, you nitwit? And put that nail file down! Do you want to spend the rest of the afternoon in the car?

(To others)

He is also talking a correspondence course on…the care and feeding of imported painted turtles! That’ll NOT get him on Mike Douglas.

VIOLET

Donna, really, talking about your husband like that. Carl, you just go on and say what ever you want. And Wilma Rae Soar, you finish your reading. This is our house and what I say, goes!

WILMA RAE

Thank you, Violet Treadway. Now, where was I?

(Switches on recorder)

Oh, yes…mix the potatoes in with the cabbage…

DONNA

(Peeking out window blinds)

Geez, get me outta here. Did stop raining yet?

VIOLET

Donna sit down, our meeting is not over yet.

(Donna sits and turns the television back on

Wilma Rae, I must interrupt you. Ladies, remember at our last meeting, that I talked about raising money to clean up the old Cheeseman trolley stop? Do you all have any suggestions?

DONNA

Like I said, I don’t remember talking about that-

VIOLET

You slept through the entire meeting, Donna. You really should have that snoring looked into, dear, there could be something wrong with you. And Otto rattled his parakeet cage for days.

GIRL

Snoring is often caused by an over consumption of alcohol. Research shows-

DONNA

(Glares at GIRL)

You don’t know anything, Go sweep up hair.

(Watches television intently)

I suggest we let the Cheeseman trolley stop there raise its own money. We have better things to do...well, not really. Violet, you get terrible television reception here…how can you-

(Pulls the television closer to her)

What? Cancelled? Dick Clark, you can’t be cancelled! No more $10,000 Pyramid!

CARL (off)

The Longines Symphonette's Complete Treasury of Nostalgic Holiday Music, CHRISTMAS at the FIRESIDE! That is the worst ever! Yeech! Where’s that nail file?

WILMA RAE

I never understood that game show anyway, Donna. It made me all stressful, while I was setting hair. All those buzzers, and that JoAnne Worley! Not a good thing…maybe a new soap opera will come on in its place…

DONNA

(Visibly upset)

Whatever…what are we doing raising money for that dumb trolley stop? We should be raising money for people who really need it…me! My life is so stressful…I can’t even pay my rent!

WILMA RAE

That dumb Cheeseman trolley stop is where Violet and I met, many years ago, remember, Violet? You were taking the trolley to Maple Lake –

VIOLET

(Patting Wilma’s shoulder)

-with Otto-

WILMA RAE

And I was going to West Virginia I to visit my sister, Vera Mae. Violet and I have been together ever since. A few months later we turned the garage into my Beauty Barn.

(Pause)

I always thought I would get married to a nice man and have a family, but, well...

GIRL

“Who am I, and what do I want out of life?' She mustn't feel selfish and neurotic if she wants goals of her own”.

(Pause)

Betty Friedan.

DONNA

I don't get...

GIRL

“She mustn't feel selfish and neurotic if she wants goals of her own, outside of husband and children.”

WILMA RAE

That trolley stop is very important to us. We just have to keep it as pretty and neat as possible. For us, and all women.

VIOLET

Well said, Wilma Rae. Donna, if you didn’t get fired from your job so many times, maybe you wouldn’t be so behind in your rent. After all, how difficult can it be, writing for a newspaper? From what I see in your column, you put very little effort into it. No stress there.

GIRL

Creative writing is considered by many mental health professionals to be therapeutic. Even calligraphy skills are-

DONNA

(Slapping the tabletop)

Alright, you, Girl Who is Irritating Me, that’s enough! Can you just cut it out with your little sayings and bits of helpful information? You are about as helpful as that soon to be ex-husband out there! Ex husband, as soon as I get some money saved up, I mean.

CARL (off)

The Ray Conniff Singers perform selections from Showboat! Yeech!

WILMA RAE

You want stress, Donna? You try washing and setting Stuttering Millie Carnations hair, while she’s squirming in the beauty chair in my Beauty Barn out there

(Points to garage)

on a pile of Sears catalogs and stuttering and spitting on about how she should get better service at the Two Buck Cut at the Hilltop Mall! One of these days, I am going to drag her by her overall straps, toss her into the trunk of my car and take her to the Two Buck Cut at the Hilltop Mall and pay for her wash and set myself!

(Gasps for breath and pats bosom.)

GIRL

Miss Carnation’s plan would have succeeded. She would have received a free wash and set as well as a free ride to the mall…

WILMA RAE

Whatever.

(Stands)

These old bones, Violet. I don’t know how many more washes and sets I have in me. Good thing I have someone out there at the Beauty Barn to sweep up hair.

(She waves at GIRL)

VIOLET

(Waves as well)

And cut my grass…

GIRL

Many young women hold two jobs in these difficult times…

DONNA

We know.

(Waves as well)

You said that already, I mean, really!

WILMA RAE

(Smiles at GIRL)

She’s like a bridge over troubled water…

CARL (off)

Yeech!

VIOLET

Ladies. I have to tell you all something.

(She quickly and loudly opens the metal Venetian blinds).

Look, it stopped raining!

DONNA

(Wincing)

My head! Ow!

WILMA RAE

Too much Rheingold beer, Donna?

VIOLET

I was shopping in Millie Carnation’s Seven Eleven store on Main Street last week, getting some flax seed for Otto-

WILMA RAE

(Nasty)

Stuttering Millie Carnation? Did she charge admission just to come into the store? She’s cheap like that, not to mention nosy!

VIOLET

Well, Mille was showing me her new salad bar in front of the store, when I suggested that the canned beets and croutons in the salad bar may go bad, because of the heat and sunlight coming in from the front window.

(In the window of the back door, Millie Carnation peers in. No one sees her, but the GIRL)

When I glanced over to her newspaper stand and noticed that she had -

DONNA

A salad bar? In Tylertown? Now, that’s something to write about! And croutons don’t go bad, they’re stale already!

WILMA

Go on, Violet, what did you see on her newspaper stand? Her collection of steamed off postage stamps? She’s cheap like that…

DONNA

OK, what would be on the newspaper stand? I’m sure even you could figure that out, Wilma Rae. Think hard now. Or have you inhaled too many hair relaxant fumes?

WILMA RAE

Why you…boozer!

VIOLET

Ladies, please! She had the latest copy of the Maple Lake Gazette, and I just happened to notice that -

DONNA

(Snorts)

That piece of trash. They won’t carry my column.

WILMA RAE

Please, Donna. Go on, Violet.

VIOLET

Well, I noticed that the Maple Lake Cultural Center is having a Haiku contest, with prizes! Fifty dollars! It’s going to be held at the VFW, one morning next week. Think of the flowers we can plant down by the trolley stop with that money.

(Millie silently disappears)

WILMA RAE

And maybe put in a trash can. Someone in the town likes to litter the trolley stop with Rheingold beer cans!

DONNA

(Hiding her beer)

Rheingold?

(The others look at her)

What? Why do you all pick on me?

GIRL

Community service is very satisfying and invokes pride in your neighborhood.

DONNA

Sigh.

(Switches off TV)

No more $10,000 Pyramid. No more Dick Clark….

VIOLET

Now, all we have to do is find out what a haiku is!

CARL (off)

Boston Pops Marches in Hi Fi! Yeech!

END OF SCENE

Scene Two

Treadway Kitchen. The next day, Saturday. A little after eleven. Wilma Rae stands by the door, notebook in hand. Hee Haw plays on the television.

WILMA RAE

(Writing in notebook)

“Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair…no…”

(tries again)

“Hair, care, nightmare!” Arggghhh!

(She rips the page from the notebook, crumples and tosses it to the ground, as the Girl Who Sweeps Up Hair appears from the garage and sweeps the paper out of sight.)

GIRL

Patience is virtue, Miss Soar.

WILMA RAE

I cannot write a poem to save my life!

(Wilma loudly stomps her foot, as the door opens and stuttering Millie Carnation enters)

MILLIE

Why did you stamp your f-f-foot, Wilma? I’m not late, am I? Or did you catch a rolling penny under there?

(Waves at GIRL, off)

She’s cheap like t-t-that, you know.

(Back to Wilma)

Oh, look you have the TV on. I love that H-h-hee haw! It makes every Saturday morning a little brighter

WILMA RAE

Me, cheap? You just shut up, Millie, and get in here. I’m not going to wash and set your hair today. I have too much on my mind. With the Haiku contest and all. And poor Donna is still very upset about Dick Clark losing his job on the television. This morning, I walked by the Cheeseman trolley stop and there were twice as many Rheingold cans as I normally see scattered about…

(Looks at TV)

What a cruel thing, that television is, making fun of us...ruralites.

(Looks at GIRL, entering) I

Is that a word?

GIRL

“When you start making cruelty an entertainment, this to me is insane.”

(Pause)

Sid Caesar.

(Millie and Wilma Rae look at her strangely)

MILLIE

If I had a car, I’d head over to the T-t-two Buck Cut at the Hilltop Mall. They never have anything on their mind!

(Sits in chair under sink)

And it’s only two b-b-bucks!

WILMA RAE

Which reminds me, Millie. You have quite an outstanding tab here at the Beauty Barn. Over fifty dollars.. Are you going to pay it soon?

MILLIE

(Defensive)

P-p-p-ay? I thought you washing and setting my hair was a g-g-gift. We’ve been f-f-friends for so many y-y-years…I let you use all the C-c-cremora you want down at the Seven/Eleven…

WILMA RAE

Millie, please...

(Lost in her thoughts, then teases)

You know, Violet told us about your new salad bar, I just may come and see it for myself one day. See all the fresh vegetables and crispy lettuce and bitsy bacons and rich, creamy dressings-

MILLIE

(Proudly)

Down at the Seven/Eleven, we try to be as t-t-trend setting as possible. We even have p-p-painted turtles!

WILMA RAE

Ha! Violet told us ALL about your “salad bar”! I’d hardly call that trough you have down there a salad bar, Millie, Ripped up cabbage, stale croutons, canned beets and French dressing in packets! Why, those painted turtles wouldn’t even eat from it!

MILLIE

My painted turtles are imp-p-ported, Wilma R-r-rae. And not f-f-from France!

WILMA RAE

(Sighs)

Really, Millie. I’ve got to work on these haiku-things!

GIRL

Government studies show that healthy servings of raw vegetables-

MILLIE

(Waving at GIRL to stop talking)

Oh, L-l-lord, Wilma Rae. Any half-wit can write a h-h-haiku poem. What’s the big d-d-deal “Roses are red, Violets are blue, you over-charge your customers and water down your rinse, too.”

(Leans back into sink)

Ahhh!

WILMA RAE

(Looking up from notebook)

That’s not a haiku. That’s just mean.

(Thinks)

You know-

(Rustling pages)

-Millie, you don’t stutter when you recite poetry…just like that guy on the Hee Haw up there on the TV.

MILLIE

Humph!

GIRL

(Looking up from sink)

In Japan, these haiku poems are valued for their lightness, simplicity and depth.

(Wilma Rae and Millie look at her blankly)

Using no more than seventeen syllables, arranging these often in lines of five, seven and five syllables, one should avoid similes and metaphors, and retaining Japanese values.

(She returns to her hair washing.)

WILMA

How do you know all that? Have you been to China?

(She returns to her notebook)

MILLIE

(Pulls her head from underneath the water)

Five s-s-seven five, huh?

(Thinks for a moment, then clears her throat)

“This do is very nice, better than the Two Buck Cut, but hurts my wallet more”.

(She claps her hands in delight)

GIRL

Six-seven-six. Close. Practice makes perfect

MILLIE

(Thinks another moment, then points to Wilma)

“I’d love to pay you, Sorry! Purse was left at home. Add it to my tab”.

(The GIRL wraps her wet hair in a towel)

WILMA

Really Millie! Just like that guy on the Hee-Haw!

END OF SCENE

Scene Three

The Treadway Kitchen. The day before the contest. Donna sits, slumped in a corner chair.

WILMA RAE

Donna, I don’t know what you-

(Watching TV)

-were so upset about. This new game show, Now You See It, is much better than that Dick Clark show you used to watch And No Jo Ann Worley!

(Checks watch)

Will Violet ever get home?

DONNA

I haven’t been watching it. I wouldn’t know. It’s all just too painful…I hate Mondays!

WILMA RAE

It’s kind of fun. All the answers to all the questions that Jack Narz asks you, why I remember him from Space Patrol, back when I was a little girl, are on the TV, and you have to find them. And say where they are...oh I can’t explain it!

(Looks to GIRL for help)

But I did jot down the address to write for tickets, in case I ever find myself in

(Looks at notepad)

Hollywood, California, zip 90036-

GIRL

Answers to simple general knowledge questions are placed on a grid, each letter identified by its line and position on the line, similar to an example I sketched on the back of this paper towel. (holds up paper towel)

For example, you are asked, “What does FE represent on the periodic table of elements?

(Wilma and Donna stare at her)

The correct response would be stated as Line 2, position 4 IRON.

(Uses pencil to indicate)

DONNA

I’d rather watch Space Patrol

(A horn honks outside. She looks at watch, stands, raises the window and yells )

Carl! I told you I would be out as soon as I can! The pet stores will be open all day!! Get off the horn!

(Slams window shut)

What time does The VFW open? I could go for a nice, cold Reingold!

WILMA RAE

You know that the VFW doesn’t open until 4 o’clock…then…

(Realizes)

-how can the Haiku contest be held there? Oh my…

DONNA

(Horn honks again. Donna opens window and yells)

Carl, if you want those painted turtles, you will...have…to…wait!

(Slams window)

What a horrible marriage we have. All he thinks about these days are those imported painted turtles! I have no money and a driver’s license, and he has money and no driver’s license. If only we could switch-

GIRL

Two driver’s licenses and no money would make for a bitter relationship, as would money and no drivers licenses-

DONNA

Shut up.

(She slumps back to her seat)

You know, that Betty Friedan stuff doesn’t sound so bad after all.

WILMA RAE

Donna, we are here to practice for tomorrows Haiku contest.

(Looks around room)

I even closed the Beauty Barn for the morning. I’ll bet the Two Buck Cut is making a tidy profit because of all this. We haven’t a moment to spare. I’ll go first.

(Stands and clears her throat)

”Plum tree in the yard, your pits jam up the mower, and hit me in the legs.”

GIRL

Five-seven-six. Unfortunate.

(Looking around the room).

Mrs. Pinkel?

DONNA

That’s Ms. Glotz…I really haven’t, um; I’ve been so busy working on this weeks society column…this haiku stuff is hard!

(Her eye catches the flickering television)

WILMA RAE

(Holds up newspaper)

Donna, I saw your column this week in the Town Tooter. All you did was copy the lunch menu from the elementary school!

(Reads)

“Tater tots, fruit cup and half pint of chilled whole milk! Sound familiar? And how about this gem…”Groucho Marx took a turn for the worse last week, in fact he died.” Really!

DONNA

Ok, ok, gimme me a second...

(Glances at televisions)

The people on this silly new game show sure didn’t get an explanation on how its played, before they went on the TV. I mean, really! If they ever win parting gifts, I’d be surprised! What a waste of Rice a Roni-

GIRL

The San Francisco Treat.

WILMA RAE

Donna, quit stalling. It’s almost eleven thirty!

DONNA

Ok, ok!

(She squirms and thinks)

”TV at eleven. Though full of lights and prizes, Leaves much to be desired.”

GIRL

Six-seven-five. Perhaps now would be a good time to withdraw from the competition.

DONNA

“What if I just say “V at eleven?” That’s one less syllable.

WILAM RAE

Donna, we have instructions on how these haikus should be, and we have to stick to them. We have to win this contest! Think of the trolley stop!

(Horn honks)

DONNA

This is too much for me…

(Yells from her seat)

That’s it. Carl! No imported painted turtles for you! If fact, the next time I see one, I am going to run it right over with my back tires! And you had better not be getting any of that cheap cologne on my car seats!

(Breathes deeply)

Allright, Wilma Rae Soar and your smarty pants girl who sweeps up hair, you two write a winning haiku and snatch the prize for us.

(Crosses her arms and leans back in seat, then stares at the television, calling out an answer).

“Line one position two-CRAWDAD” Any idiot can play that Now You See It game!

(Sighs heavily)

Where’s Dick Clark when I need him?

VIOLET

(Entering from back door)

I am here ladies, I came around the back of the house, past the incinerator, because I didn’t think it would be proper for me to be seen coming into the Beauty Barn when you have that closed sign in the window.

(Jokingly shakes her finger at GIRL)

Now I know why it always smells like burnt hair in the backyard....well, how is the practice coming along? Are we all professional…haiku-ers?

DONNA

This is the stupidest thing ever. This silly contest. Who would dream up such an idea, and who in this dump town is going to judge such a thing? Why, I’m not even going to mention it in my column! My readers have high expectations, you know. My story on Groucho Marx received many calls.

(Jabs a finger at TV)

And this new game show, I mean really, Dick Clark must be happy he has nothing to do with this…nonsense.

WILMA RAE

If I had a penny for every time you’ve said that man’s name in the past week, why I could…buy a large bottle of Breck Shampoo…your readers expect a good column, but never get it. And I happen to like this-

(Points to television)

-nonsense.

VIOLET

That’s a good point there, Donna. Who in this dump town is qualified to judge such an event?

(In the window of the back door, Millie Carnation again peers in. No one sees her, but the GIRL)

WILMA RAE

Maybe Jack Narz will fly in from Hollywood, California 90036, and judge the contest…why, I remember him from Space Patrol, you know. He was so handsome…

(Gazes at television)

DONNA

(Mocking)

Wilma Rae, focus on our problem, not the television…

(Her eye catches the television as well)

Line three position four-BANJO-well, that woman is just stupid, on that game. I can play better than her. The answer was right there!

GIRL

Perhaps the reality of appearing on a nationally televised broadcast has hampered her ability to reason. Studies show that-

DONNA

(Snapping her fingers)

I’ve got it!

(She stands and clears her throat)

“On Now You See It, Players Are Poorly Chosen, 90036.”

VIOLET

Five-seven-five, simple theme, slightly obscure…I love it! To heck with the Japanese values, Donna, we have a winner!

WILMA RAE

And we avoid similes and metaphors! Haiku contest, here we come!

VIOLET

I’d better start earmarking the flower bulb catalog tonight. Rest up ladies, we have to be Haiku-ing in-

(Looks at watch)

-23 and a half hours. They’ll be flowers at the Cheeseman trolley stop in no time!

DONNA

(raises hand)

Ok, I have a question…just where are we going to be Haiku-ing?

(Millie disappears)

VIOLET

Well, lets just say that the Beauty Barn will be closed tomorrow morning as well!

(Looks at Wilma Rae)

When I registered us for the contest they said the VFW wasn’t open, so, I also volunteered...offered…donated...whatever - to hold it here. Wilma Rae, but we’ll be a shoo-in to win!

WILMA RAE

(Sigh)

I wonder if they’re hiring at the Two Buck Cut-

VIOLET

And, according to the calendar on the door there, the only customer you have scheduled to come in tomorrow is Millie Carnation and she never pays you, and think of the free publicity!

(Looks at Donna)

Right Donna?

DONNA

Ok ok, I‘ll mention the contest, and the beauty barn, in my column.

(Puts head in her hands, as horn honks outside)

Oh, what a life a professional writer leads!

END OF SCENE

Scene Four

The Treadway kitchen, Tuesday, the day of the Haiku fair, A little after eleven. The swinging door to the dining room is open. The Girl Who Sweeps Up Hair sits quietly in the corner, watching Now You See It on television. Violet waits by the door.

VIOLET

(Loud whisper)

Line 4 position 3…headband! I love this Now You See It!

(Pats GIRL on the shoulder)

It’s so exciting!!

(Donna and Wilma Rae enter from the back)

I do hope the Mosstown Writers Guild out there likes my cream cheese and olive pimento and cherry dip.

(Pats GIRL on shoulder again)

And thank you for helping me clean on such short notice. Not only are you the girl who sweeps up hair and the girl who cuts my grass, you’re also the girl who runs the carpet sweeper like the dickens!

WILMA RAE

(Putting down birdcage)

That is the last time I ride in the car with you driving, Donna. Where did you get your license anyway? The Indy 500? Those signs meant we were on Route 800, it was not the speed limit!

DONNA

I’d like you to know that I have a perfect driving record, thank you very much! And with all that perfume you’re wearing, I’m surprised I didn’t pass out behind the wheel. You’re supposed to spray it on, not shower in it!

(Looks at GIRL)

You’re not going to say anything? No helpful hint, no trite cliché?

(GIRL shakes her head)

Whats with her?

VIOLET

She lost her voice, Donna, now you keep YOUR voice down! You’re late enough as it is. I’ve been watching that Now You See It game show, to take my mind off the contest and all. I am so nervous. We’ve got some pretty stiff competition out there. And Wilma Rae, you really should think about opening the garage door out there during business hours.

(Points to garage)

All those fumes from your hair products. This is the third time this month the poor girl has lost her voice…hmm, always on a Tuesday at that…

WILMA RAE

Violet, you know the spring Ohio wind would ruin even the sturdiest of my hairdos-

(She is interrupted)

CARL (off)

Thank you, Mosstown Men’s Writers Guild. That was sooo very excellent. Your haiku recitation – in Japanese – was sooo excellent. I am sure you will put the fifty dollar prize money to excellent use. And those kimonos are sooo excellent!

DONNA

If we didn’t have to take that stupid parakeet of yours to story hour at the library…that voice is very familiar, so familiar...I can’t put my finger on…

(Peeks thru door and sees Carl in other room)

Carl? What is he doing here?

VIOLET

(Shushing her)

Donna, keep quiet. I knew there was something I forgot to tell you…well, with all those correspondence courses he’s taking in poetry and music, I knew he would make an excellent judge! And I did offer to hold the contest here…a cultural milestone!

DONNA

(Holds nose)

I can smell his cheap cologne all the way out here!

WILMA RAE

With your husband judging, that fifty dollars is as good as ours!

CARL (off)

Finally, we have the Tylertown Writing Club...representing them is…oooh, this handwriting is sooo hard to read…so drunkenly scrawled.

VIOLET

Go on, Donna! Make us proud!

(Donna confidently drops her coat to the floor and heads towards the dining room)

WILMA RAE

Don’t screw up!

CARL (off)

…Dana Glitz? That’s sooo theatrical!

(Donna goes halfway into dining room)

DONNA

That’s Donna Glotz, you nitwit.

(Disappears into dining room)

VIOLET

Donna! Really!

WILMA RAE

She looks nervous.

VIOLET

She had better be. The reputation of our Writing Club depends-

DONNA

(Reentering kitchen)

Phew, Carl, that cologne of yours! Violet, good thing your parakeet is at story hour at the library, or you’d have one dead bird on your hands! And your wallpaper is starting to peel off!

VIOLET

It’s been peeling for years.

(Pushing her back into the room)

Donna, you aren’t quitting, are you?

DONNA

I may be a Glotz, but I am not a quitter!

(She stands up confidently, and looks right into the living room)

I will recite my…winning haiku from a safe distance! No cheap cologne is gonna get-

(Cough)

-me!

(Looks at TV)

If only Dick Clark were on the TV to wish me luck-

CARL (off)

You may begin…Miss Glitz.

DONNA

OK, here we go.

(Coughs)

sn’t that television program over yet? That game show?

WILMA RAE

Donna, focus on the contest...focus on the fifty dollars!

CARL (off)

Is there a problem, Miss Glitz?

DONNA

Look, Carl, don’t push me or else-

(Violet shakes her head)

Geez. Allright, here I go. Uh, I, uh…

(All of her attention goes to the television)

Line three position six-PARSLEY! The answer was right there! What kind of people go on that show anyway?

CARL (off)

I’m sorry, Miss Glitz. Nooooo-where near the traditional haiku format. Thank you for your feeble attempt -

DONNA

But I, we, that wasn’t the poem! Let me start again!

(She pauses and glimpses back at the television)

Line one position two-HACKSAW!

(To Wilma Rae)

Tell that nitwit GIRL to turn off the TV over there! How can anyone concentrate when Now You See It is on the TV?

WILMA RAE

Donna! You ruined the contest for us!

VIOLET

I hope the Mosstown Writers Guild enjoys their fifty dollars. No flowers at the trolley stop.

CARL (off)

Concentration is soooo very important. Come back next year when you are able to do so. Anyone else from the Tylertown Writing Club?

(pause)

Very well, I am sooo excited to announce the winner of the Maple Lake Cultural Center Haiku contest is-

MILLIE

(Appearing from garage, a large dripping paper bag in hand)

W-w-wait! I, also, represent the Tylertown W-w-writing Club. Stop the p-p-presses!

DONNA

Whatever…

(She goes to the GIRL, pushes her out of the way and yanks the television cord from the wall)

Take that, Mr. Space Patrol!

WILMA

What’s she doing here? I told you she was nosy. Probably listening outside the whole time!

VIOLET

Wilma Rae, please…go on, Millie. Make us proud!

(Millie storms past the ladies and into the living room, bag in hand)

DONNA

Phew, what does she have in that bag?

WILMA

Her lunch of day old fish, I bet. She’s cheap like that!

CARL (off)

This is soo out of the ordinary…oooh, your bag is dripping all over the nice carpet...sooo messy.

VIOLET

Don’t worry about the carpet, Millie! I have plenty of rug shampoo. And a girl who runs the carpet sweeper like the dickens!

(The ladies gather around the door, peering in)

MILLIE (off)

Here’g-g-g-oes…

(loudly)

Seven Am-per-sand

Eleven, the store I,

Own and op-e-rate!

And my p-p-personal favorite…

Like Painted Turtles?

I got some imported ones,

Right here in this bag!

WILMA RAE

See, Violet, I told you, just like that guy on Heehaw!!

END OF SCENE

Scene Five

The Treadway kitchen, That evening. The ladies are celebrating their win with glasses of champagne. The GIRL has her face in a steamer and a towel over her head

VIOLET

Millie, I never would have thought! You sure saved the day You and your imported painted turtles!

DONNA

I knew she was there all along. I was …building a little suspense. Carl likes them.

(Sips drink)

This cold goose isn’t so bad…

MILLIE

It’s Cold D-d-duck. A little s-s-something from my Seven Eleven. The best c-c-champagne in Tylertown.

GIRL

(Hoarsely, lifting towel)

Champagne is the only wine that leaves a woman beautiful after drinking it.

(pause)

Madame De Pompadour.

(coughs)

DONNA

Whatever.

(Burps)

Never met her.

CARL (off)

Yeech!

VIOLET

(Holds up flower catalog)

Millie, the Cheeseman trolley stop is going to look so pretty with the flowers we’re going to plant with the prize money. Fifty dollars worth!

WILMA RAE

And a new trash bin!

(Eyes Donna)

DONNA

Allright! No more Rheingold.... hey, does this Cold Goose, er, Duck stuff come in cans?

(burps)

CARL (off)

Yeech!

MILLIE

(standing on chair, and holds up champagne glass)

Flowers? Trolley stop?

Nice, but the fifty dollars

Pays my beauty tab!

(The others hold up their glasses)

END OF PLAY