The Bionic Woman
Scrapbook
By
Johnny Culver
CHARACTERS
Otto
Officer Candy Dish
Commander Heather
On Board Telepath (Telepathia)
Voice
TIME: The future.
PLACE: The bridge of a spaceship, hurtling through the stars
NAVIGATOR OTTO
(sitting
at navigation console, speaking into attached mike)
Navigators Log, Navigator Otto reporting, I did it! I am a free parakeet. No more
cowering in a rusty bird cage in Mrs Campanellis smelly apartment, in Hohokus
New Jersey. No more being fed cigarette butts and inhaling second hand smoke. I
am free. No more being the target of an airborne TV Guide. No more begging for
flax seed. No more being kept up all night by Mrs Campanellis daughter and her
favorite TV show, Bowling for Dollars. And no more being threateneed with eviction
by our landlady; the nastiest librarian in Hohocus, New Jersey!
But, after several long months in outer space, I
am starting to rethink my decsion to leave the safety of my, travel thru time
to the future, as life on in outer space isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. None of the others talk to me, there is no
flax seed to nibble on, I have to empty the ships dishwasher, and I have yet to
find time for my favorite pastime, updating my Bionic Woman scrapbook!
(looks
around)
Maybe it is true that there’s no place like
home...
(sighs)
Sometimes its best just to sit back and...observe.
(big
sigh)
COMMANDER HEATHER
Observe?
(snorts
awake, looking up)
Navigator, unless you have sometthing to
contribute, keep still! And I thought I ordered you to empty the ships dishwasher!
And stop sighing! Now where was I?
(goes
back to crossword)
Mr. Spock is from here...five letters...VENUS!
NAVIGATOR OTTO
(raises
wing)
No, thats not right-
COMMANDER HEATHER
What? Not right? Of course it is.
(holds
up crossword)
Three across is three letters. “Zsa Zsa’s sister...“
OFFICER DISH
(runs
in)
Commander Heather,. I have to tell you that we got
a letter or a call, or a message. I write it on this pink piece a paper. And it
was from the guy that’s your boss....he
asked about our mission, like, where we were-
(holds
up slip of paper)
-see? WHILE YOU WERE OUT. I checked all the right
boxes...
COMMANDER HEATHER
Our mission...
(big
sigh)
If we only had more information about where we
were headed. We're sailing, blind, in
the dark, with no lights on....and no tissues to wipe them off!
OFFICER DISH
And our headlights are covered with mud, and we
have to get home in time for Bowling for Dollars, and, well, that’s about as
far as I can take that analogy, Commander. Maybe our onboard telepath can help
us. Provide us with some insight.
(holds
head)
Oooh, that hurt. All that thinking.
COMMANDER HEATHER
Wipe the mud off the headlights? Good thinking,
Officer! Activate the onboard telepath finder! Where is she?
OFFICER DISH
My readings say she is in the ship’s
library, near the card catalog.
COMMANDER HEATHER
Hmm, the ships Library. What room is that!
NAVIGATOR OTTO
(raises
wing)
Room 221.
COMMANDER HEATHER
(glares
at Otto and points her finger)
I told you...
OFFICER DISH
One more room and she would have her own
television show...
(beat)
She's looking up something. Dewey Decimal number 800.125, Women’s
History.
(pause)
Earth History! Oooh!
COMMANDER HEATHER
Get her up to the command center, snappy!
(The
doors swoosh open and the Telepath enters)
OFFICER DISH
That WAS snappy.
COMMANDER HEATHER
Come here, Telepath, we have known you for so
long, on our journey through space, your strange species, what can we call you,
a name perhaps?
TELEPATH
On my world, I am called Telepathia. Just
Telepathia.
(eyes
Otto)
COMMANDER HEATHER
Well, Just Telepathia, I see you have been
studying Earth History, Women’s Earth History, in order to make you more
comfortable on this all-earth woman space-faring vessel, I imagine—
NAVIGATOR OTTO
(raises
wing)
Almost all women, I remind you.
COMMANDER HEATHER
Navigator Otto,
I am well aware of the differences between you and the rest of my crew. (points at him) Scrawny, centuries old, parakeet and
(points
at her crew)
beautiful female humans and aliens. May I remind
you that we did bring you into outer space, and in exchange, you would provide
us with...certain services...
TELEPATH
We have a saying on my world...Yeech. Commander, I
was investigating Earths past, and I have many questions-
(glares
at Otto)
I repeat, yeech...
NAVIGATOR OTTO
Yeech?
Well, Miss, can you read my mind, don't expect my beak to be tapping on
your door anytime soon. You'd have to poke out my eyes with a fork and drag me
on the back of a Rexall shopping buggy to the cashier to get me close to you.
TELEPATH
I have given it some consideration, Navigator. My
Rexall buggy is oiled and ready.
Checkout time could be very near.
COMMANDER HEATHER
Enough of this. Just Telepathia, Ships library?
Women’s Earth History? I trust you put the books back on the shelves in their
correct order?
TELEPATH
Commander, on my world, all females are trained
librarians. Note my hair is in a tight bun.
OFFICER DISH
Back home, we had a librarian...in the public
library. She was really old, and she had her hair in tight bun too, and had no
teeth, so when we were sitting in the back of the library, near the magazines
and were too loud, talking about Bowling
for Dollars, she would come over and make us be quiet-
COMMANDER HEATHER
(holds
finger to lips)
Like this? Shhh.
OFFICER DISH
More like this,
(holds
finger to lips and blows a rasberry)
NAVIGATOR OTTO
(shakes
head)
That was disgusting.
COMMANDER HEATHER
Navigator! One more outburst, and, you don’t want
to know...well, Just Telepathia, maybe I can answer some questions about our
past. Fire away.
NAVIGATOR OTTO
Geez, I wanted to be the one to say that.
TELEPATH
There are many references to powerful women in
your history. I have researched back as far as...well, since the invention of
your...recording player.
NAVIGATOR OTTO
Ahh, the ol' Hasbro close and play. The Jersey Shore,
a dozen D batteries and the 45 record that came free in Lays potato chip
bags...
TELEPATH
If you are referring to "The Four Chessman" and their minor hit "I'm Not Gonna Stay," the marketing campaign failed, as the salt
from the potato snacks caused the vinyl to degrade. But, Commander, I do have a
question about a similar event. This earth woman, Donna Summers—
NAVIGATOR OTTO
Her name was Donna Summer, No last S.
COMMANDER HEATHER
I told you...
(snaps
fingers at Otto)
Just Telepathia, your question. I have this puzzle
to finish, before I..inspect the ships dishwasher!
(Glares
at Otto)
I am not too fond of water spots, you know.
OFFICER DISH
The Water Spots?I love their music.
NAVIGATOR OTTO
Music? What?...ah, yes, Telepathia, what is your
question?
(mutters)
I gotta hear this one!
TELEPATH
Ah yes, this performer, one Donna Summer—no last
s—had recorded a song during her life that was very popular with humans, Hot
Stuff. –
OFFICER DISH
Beep Beep!
NAVIGATOR OTTO
From her Bad Girls album, which also featured the
hits WALK AWAY, LOVE WILL ALWAYS FIND YOU, DIM ALL THE—
COMMANDER HEATHER
(snaps
her fingers)
Enough, Navigator.
TELEPATH
In this song, Hot Stuff, she tells her audience
that she had, in the first verse, dialed about a thousand numbers, then in the
second verse, another hundred numbers, and found no one home. Eleven hundred
unanswered telephones.
COMMANDER HEATHER
I see, no one home...hmmm. And most likely a
rotary telephone at that.
OFFICER DISH
That musta ruined her nails.
TELEPATH
Where were the residents of her town? Had they
been abducted by interstallar creatures? The entire population, gone, except
for Donna. No last S.
COMMANDER HEATHER
I have another theory. I think that, after Donna
dialed the first few numbers, maybe ten, people caught on that she was dialing
numbers at random, looking for Hot Stuff, and word got around the small town to
not answer when she called. Maybe she was calling during dinner.
OFFICER DISH
I wouldn’t answer, espccially if it was during
Bowling for Dollars.
TELEPATH
Was she dialing at random, or was she methodically
going through her local White Pages, knowing who in her town would have the hot
stuff that she was looking for?
NAVIGATOR OTTO
It’s a song! For crying out loud, it’s just a song
to dance to! Don’t— Commander, a signal
is coming in...from the specified destination!
(to
himself)
Please contact us. Get me away from here!
COMMANDER HEATHER
Hmmm...a signar from interstellar creatures
perhaps? Then, I’d better get my purse. Officer Candy, get my purse for me from
under the Navigatora console, and
(glares)
there had
not be any money missing when I look inside, Navigator. Or Certs. There’s a full
roll in there. You may have one, Officer Dish. Fresh breath is very important
in outer space.
TELEPATH
Perhaps, they, the interstellar creatures, as
well, are seeking Hot Stuff.
NAVIGATOR OTTO
Geez. Look, Telewackia, you are really starting to get on my— the signal is gone, Commander. No flax seed anytime soon.
OFFICER CANDY
Here’s your purse...
(shakes
purse)
Sounds like
a full roll of Certs.
(hands
her purse)
Can’t vouch for the money, though. ..
(remembering)
.and the librarian used this strange shampoo
in a can, right at her desk, maybe she was from your world, Telethinkia...
TELEPATH
Possibly, as our tight bunned hair is clean and
fresh smelling...
OTTO
Yeech.
COMMANDER HEATHER
(awkwardly leans back in chair)
You know, his reminds me of my first venture into the unknown. We had everything we needed to make the mission a sucess strapped to our belts, and we carried our bag lunches. As we crossed the desert terrain, where aliens roamed freely, out of nowhere came an ear-piercing whistle blow-
OFFICER CANDY
Oooh!
COMMANDER HEATHER
Ooooh is right! We ran as fast as we could to the ladder, climbed into the ship and sealed the hatch. I, as the eldest, gave the command to lift off.
(puts crossword into her purse, and recalls
fondly)
Later, miles above the desert, we analyzed the events of the past hours. As we toiled away, searching to find the mystery of the desert terrain, checking the readouts and displays, I noticed that it was time for...lunch!
OFFICER CANDY
Oooh! I wouldn’t know what do to…
COMMANDER HEATHER
I’m getting to the good part...then I looked around the ships cabin for my 1/2 pint of chilled whole milk,applecause cup and Little Debbies and realized the inevitable had happened.
TELEPATH
The loss of nutritional supplements and prepackaged fruits-
COMMANDER HEATHER
Correct. We had left our bag lunches on the deserted surface...along with my favorite Buffy and Jody Family Affair plastic thermos…where aliens may find them!
OFFICER DISH
Unsafe bag lunches! Commander, what did you do?
TELEPATH
Officer Candy, the commander is trained to survive in the most dire of situations. I am sure she acted properly and retreived from her utility belt, a lunch ticket, which she redeemed in the cafeteria and enjoyed a hot meal, consisting of vegetables, meat, chilled whole milk and a fruit cup.
COMMANDER HEATHER
Exactly, Just Telepathia. Then we put our heads down and took a little-
OTTO
The unknown? It sounds like recess to me. You know, maybe I shouldn't have come to the future after all. I was much happier, in my cage, in Mrs Campanelli’s smelly living room in Hohokus, New Jersey, working on my The Bionic Woman scrapbook, eating cigarette butts…
OFFICER DISH
(mimicking Commander)
Navigator, you should be concentrating on our destination. The Junction. And not some scrapbook.
COMMANDER HEATHER
Very good, Officer, you’ll make an excellent Commander…one day-
TELEPATH
Perhaps the navigator is jealous of your interstellar adventures, Commander. His own life must be less than specactular. An ordinary parakeet with nothing to live for but A six page scrapbook filled with photographs of one Linsday Wagner, most of which are cut out from the local TV listings!
OTTO
It’s almost eight pages, she won an Emmy, and-hey, how do you know, have you been looking through my things? Why you miserable librarian! I oughta…
OFFICER DISH
I wish I could remember the name of that shampoo…oh, Pssst!!!
TELEPATH
What?
OFFICER DISH
That’s the name of the shampoo the librarian used! Sprayed it right on at her desk. Telewackkia, do you also use…Psssttt?
COMMANDER HEATHER
What?
TELEPATH
On out world, we use the same product…Psssttt!
OFFICER DISH
What?
OTTO
For petes sake, that’s the name of the…of forget it, you people are two sandwiches short of a picnic, not the sharpest knives in the drawer…a few grapes short of a bunch-
COMMANDER HEATHER
Enough, Navigator! Would you like the Telepath to replace you?
TELEPATH
A piece of volcanic ash could replace him-
COMMANDER HEATHER
(Otto shakes his head)
I thought not. Resume course..
TELEPATH
Commander, as we approach our destination, I have discovered from the database that there are several things we should know about this Junction. The records are somewhat damaged, as they are-
(glares at OTTO)
centuries old.
OTTO
(muttering)
This should be good, geez.
COMMANDER HEATHER
One more word out of you and…and…well, you don’t want to know. Just sit there, look at the view screen and navigate! Now, Just Telepathia, you were saying?
OFFICER DISH
(goes for purse)
Oooh, maybe I will have a Certs. My breath is sooo gross. Oops, go on, Tele-whatchacallia.
TELEPATH
In this mysterous Junction, there are several things to consider. We should avoid, at all costs, one elder named Joe, as he is unable to keep up with the others in the Junction.
COMMANDER HEATHER
Noted. Elder Joe. Continue.
TELEPATH
The leader, or the queen, of this interstellar junction is one strange creature they call Kate, and she will undoubtly attempt to persuade us to remain as long as possible, using all sorts of trickery, Her evil lair is called the - information is sketchy here - the Zesty Glade.
COMMANDER HEATHER
Also noted. Evil lair. Trickery. This does not look good, crew.
OFFICER DISH
(looks around)
Maybe some macrame plant hangers would help.
TELEPATH
This Kate has…three evil daughters, who live in a giant wooden vat of boiling oil, popping out only to frighten away interstaller travellers with their hideous appearances!
OTTO
Where on Earth…
OFFICER DISH
I thnk you’ll need more than your Totes, for this mission, Commander
TELEPATH
Finally, as we get closer, we will experience…’lotsa curves’…in our route. Ships controls will be useless.
OFFICER DISH
I hope I don’t get all queasy.
COMMANDER HEATHER
Lotsa curves, Kate, Joe, what is this mysterious place? Does it even have a name?
NAVIGATOR OTTO
The name of the
place is Petticoat Junction! It’s a
hotel on TV, a TV show, you idiots. Look, you looney Teledippia, I don’t know
where you’re getting your information, but it’s all wrong. And you, Commander
Heather. I think you took too long of a nap at recess!”And you, Dish, I trhink
you inhaped too much…Psssttt!
OFFICER DISH
What?
COMMANDER HEATHER
I have had enough of this, Navigator. Officer Dish, activate the on board scrapbook finder! Snappy!
NAVIGATOR OTTO
Nooo! I’ll stop butting in, I’ll do nothing but navigate and empty the ships dishwasher. But please, leave my scrapbook!.
OFFICER DISH
The on board scrapbook finder is activated, Commander! Oooh!
COMMANDER HEATHER
What is is, some kind of malfunction!
OFFICER DISH
There seems to be...ahhh...two scrapbooks onboard!
COMMANDER HEATHER
Two?
NAVIGATOR OTTO
Two?
OFFICER DISH
One of them is in...the ships library, carefully
shelved....very well bound, ancient stitching, intricate gold detailing...I
can’t make out the name of it, though....the..the fright no, tight chair, no
hair, gun, no...the Tight Hair Bun
scrapbook!
COMMANDER HEATHER
The Tight
Hair Bun scrapbook?
NAVIGATOR OTTO
The Tight
Hair Bun scrapbook?
TELEPATH
The Tight
Hair Bun scrapbook...Volume
(say
the letters)
XVI, to be exact. A complete annotated history of
the tight hair buns worn by the people of my world for many centuries. My
family has protected and carried on these scrapbooks for generations.
COMMANDER HEATHER
Very impressive, Telepathia. An admirable trait. I
am proud of you and all your alien paople-
OFFICER DISH
I have found the other scrapbook, Commander, in
the mess hall, hidden behind the ships dishwasher....cheap spiral bound
notebook, damp, many pages missing, , dog eared, a few newspaper clippings and
poorly preserved photographs...I can’t make out the name of it, such poor
scrawled handwriting-
NAVIGATOR OTTO
(mumbles)
You try holding a pencil with three claws…
OFFICER DISH
(reads)
The
Ethel Merman Dartboard!
NAVIGATOR OTTO
Thats the Bionic
Woman Scrapbook, you nitwit! Its my lifes work!
COMMANDER HEATHER
Not for long, Navigator! This will teach you to
speak out of line, to question authority, to put forks in the dishwasher pointy
side down....Officer Dish, destroy that scrapbook!
OFFICER DISH
Okay!
(pushes
botton)
All gone!
(looks
at fungernail and bites it)
Gteat. A chip in my polish. I hope I can fnd a
bottle of Avocado Green out here...
NAVIGATOR OTTO
(You can push that button all you wnat.
Chip as many nails as you can. I knew this was going to happen, so I snuck into
the ships library and replaced the inside of her scrapbook with...mine!
(points
at Telepathia)
Her scrapbook was hidden behind the ships
dishwasher and destroyed! Kiss them tight buns goodbye!
COMMANDER HEATHER
.I am so sorry about the loss of your scrapbook,
Just Telepathia. Perhaps you kept a backup copy in your home planets library...
OFFICER DISH
Under H for Hairdos-
TELEPATH
Your condolences are unneccessary, Commander.
There has been no loss on my part. I, too, knew this was going to happen, so,
after this puny winged creature switched the scrapbooks, I snuck into the mess
hall, slipped behind the ships dishwasher and switched the scrapbooks back to
their original locations!
OFFICER DISH
Oooh!
NAVIGATOR OTTO
Oh no...my Bionic Woman Scrapbook...gone...
TELEPATH
And I took the liberty of peering inside the ships
dishwasher..not a pretty sight...forks pointy side up, water spots everywhere,
and I discovered a certain Buffy and Jody Family Affair plastic thermos…melted beyond recognition!
NAVIGATOR OTTO
Oh no...the label said it was...dishwasher
safe....
COMMANDER HEATHER
My favorite thermos! That is the last straw,
Officer Dish, activate the onboard parakeet finder!
OFFICER DISH
Ahoy, Commandeer! This button right here!
(gets
ready to hit it with her elbow)
I’m not taking any changes this time.
NAVIGATOR OTTO
(waving
weakly)
I...I’m right here..hello, no need to use the
parakeet finder....
.(sobbing)
It’s all over, it’s the end. My space career, my life...goodbye, Hohokus,
New Jersey, goodbye Linsday Wagmer, I don’t case what they say. You deserved
that Emmy...
TELEPATH
(impatient)
Farewell, Navigator, we have a saying on our
planet...your books are overdue!
COMMANDER HEATHER
Officer...push that button!
(Dish
jams it with her elbow)
NAVIGATOR OTTO
(head
in his hands, sobbing)
I’m sorry..I’m sorry!!!
(The
crew members disappear into the blackness. A moment later we hear a voice.)
VOICE 1
Otto, Otto! You damned bird. Wake up!
NAVIGATOR OTTO
What? Where Am I?
VOICE 1
Wake up, you stupid, lazy bird. I’ve got an
ashtray full of cigarette butts with your name on em! And clean up that cage, the librarian landlady
will be here any minute for the rent!
NAVIGATOR OTTO
Mrs. Campanelli! I’m home! In her smelly living
room in Hohokus, New Jersey, Safe!
VOICE 2
Ma! My programs on. Stop yelling! Ma!
VOICE1
And look, the new TV Guide just came in the mail.
Guess who’s on the cover? The Bionic
Woman! Here. Catch.
NAVIGATOR OTTO
(Avoids
being hit by TV Guide)
Theres no place like home!
Curtain