Open Mike

by

Johnny Culver


 

Wanda – Middle aged, run down, grey stringy hair, could be mistaken for a homeless woman

Elmer – Middle aged, frail, glasses, bow tie

 

The empty and poorly decorated run down Esther’s Bar, Greenwich Village New York City, about 10pm, a few days before Christmas, 2009.


Wanda sits at a table, slouched over her crossword magazine, hair covering her face. Elmer quietly approaches, with drinks in hand.

 

ELMER

So, Wanda, what did you think?

 

WANDA

(startled)

Huh? Geez, Elmer, don’t scare me like that. I got a Bic pen in my hand. What if I jabbed myself and got ink poisoning? Hey, I wonder why you don’t see more poisoned squid around.

 

ELMER

That’s stupid.

(Awkward pause)

Wanda, what did you think?

 

WANDA

About what?

 

ELMER

The readings! What’s been going on here for the last hour? Were you even listening? This was the most important night of my life!

 

WANDA

Oh yea, sure I was listening, Elmer. I can listen and not look like I’m listening.

 

ELMER

My writing group has been planning this for months. The least you could have done was pay attention.

 

WANDA

(Looks around)

Not too much of a writing group, Elmer. Looks like you did all this planning, just for you.

(Directly at Elmer)

Funny how I never met anyone from your writing group. Funny, isn’t it? In all these years, I never met -

 

ELMER

(uncomfortable)

The others, well, they, they had…other things to do. So it was just me.

(Looks at table)

You drank your drinks already? You ordered already?

 

WANDA

What drinks? I didn’t order nothing.

 

ELMER

Wanda, there was a two drink minimum tonight! How do you think I got to use Esther’s Bar for free? The bar makes money from the drinks you buy! The bartender makes tips!

 

WANDA

They make a lotta money from the drinks you buy here! I asked that guy how much a Diet Coke was and the guy said…six dollars! And it wasn’t even real Coke! So I just went to the ladies room and drank outta the faucet. And I gotta tip for the bartender; ease up on the cologne!

 

ELMER

I don’t want to think about that…six dollars?

(looks to bar)

Which bartender said that? He’s must be wrong. My beer was a dollar fifty. Maybe I got a performers discount.

 

WANDA

The guy behind the bar with the Santa hat and leather vest! And if you get close to the bar like I did, you would see his leather hot pants too. Just between you, me and Macys, I just think he likes you more than he likes me.

 

ELMER

That’s not funny. Leave Levi – the bartender -  alone.  He’s one of the few friends I have. You don’t know what it’s like.

 

WANDA

I’m sorry, Elmer, I didn’t mean anything… Some bartender; ripping off poor young ladies, and at Christmastime.

 

ELMER

You’re not poor, Wanda, and certainly not young. Maybe they had a beer special. It’s not too bad.

 

WANDA

(Looks at beer can)

This swill? The advertise in Popular Mechanics. We got cases of it left in the basement at home. My Pa used to clean the lawn mower blades with it in the summer. It made the grass turn brown too. The beer must be bad by now, after thirty years.

 

ELMER

Did you like my stories, Wanda? What I read out loud, at the microphone?

 

WANDA

It seems like so long ago. Pa cutting the back yard with the hand mower - barefoot, Ma yellin’ for him to be careful of his toes, because her cousin Ralph got one cut off in the very same situation the summer before, ruining their Forth of July. It seems like just yesterday…

(Snaps back)

I heard every one of your stories.

 

ELMER

(Eager for a response)

Which one did you like best? The Christmas narrative? Or the poem about on Fifth Avenue. Or maybe the Old West story?

 

WANDA

All of the above…I just gotta finish this here crossword magazine before  gets Clarence gets here.

(Elmer glares at her, drumming his fingers on the table)

What? He buys me a new one every Thursday night. And tonight is Thursday night. And if I don’t have the one he bought me last Thursday night done by this Thursday night, then he don’t buy me a new one this Thursday night.

 

ELMER

What?

 

WANDA

It’s a little thing we got going, just between him and me. Pretty romantic for two old coots like us, huh?

 

ELMER

It’ll make a great Lifetime movie, Wanda.

 

WANDA

Then, after he gives me the new crossword magazine, we go out for dinner. And he checks my old crossword magazine. If I got all them done and done right, well, he pays for dinner and takes me home! Only on Thursday, that is. If we go out any other night, we go Dutch treat! I think we’re going out Christmas day, though. Maybe we’ll drive out to the Ground Round out in Levittown.

 

ELMER

It doesn’t sound very Christmas-y. At least you’ll be with someone. With Clarence. Me, I’ll probably just come back down here. To Esther’s. Keep Levi company.

 

WANDA

This’ll be the first time I’m all alone in the house at Christmas, since Ma died. Maybe me and Clarence will go out to the cemetery, on our way to the Ground Round.  

(sighs)

That old Astoria house is so big, too big for just me…one of these days I have to clean out her bedroom, open the windows, get a little air in there. It’s still just the way it was, her suitcase laying on the bed, the souvenirs she brought me back from Bermuda tucked into the corner. She never got to give em to me, ya know. The price tags are still on em. Them cute little ceramic dolphins. Poor Ma. She never got to develop the pictures she took on them Bermuda beaches. She told me she even had a taken a picture of the spider. The one that bit her. That poisonous spider…

(pause)

Some 70th birthday present that turned out to be. I saved and saved to get that trip for her. And look what happened. If only I got her that fur coat she wanted, instead. No poison spiders there. Living in the pockets. Maybe baby minks lived in the pockets.

 

(sniffles)

…oh, and I never thanked you for the nice condolences card you sent.

(Takes card out of purse)

I still carry it around with me. It was the only card I got. I’m surprised I got it at all. The mailman said he could hardly make out your handwriting.

 

ELMER

Wanda, I mailed that to you a month ago. You should put it away for safekeeping. With the rest of your mothers things. Maybe with the dolphins.

 

WANDA

Whatever. You never told me what you did with the money you won.

 

ELMER

What money?

 

WANDA

The money you say you won. See? Right here in the envelope. “I won 105” Dollars. I guessed.

 

ELMER

What?

(looks at envelope)

Wanda, that’s your zip code. 11105. See? Not “I won 105”. You need reading glasses.

 

WANDA

Ma’s got a couple pair in her …suitcase…i guess I’ll have to go through it now.

(sighs)

 

ELMER

(Trying to change the subject)

What if you don’t get them all done and done right? The crosswords? Before dinner?

 

WANDA

I dunno. It never happened before?

(Looks at magazine)

Merv Griffin created this TV game show…8 letters” Geez, that’s easy

(Writes in magazine)

 “The Merv Griffin Show”. There!

 

ELMER

That’s not right, and it’s not eight letters! It won’t fit.

 

WANDA

You don’t have to use all the letters, Elmer. Just the ones that fit.

 

ELMER

(Sits, exasperated)

What did you think of my pieces? The stories of mine that were read? After all this time, I finally had my stories heard by an audience. This could be the big break I’ve been-

 

WANDA

“Green Acres’ Arnold...three letters”  Horshack!

(Sighs and puts down pen)

OK, Elmer. I liked your stuff, I really did. You made me…proud.

 

ELMER

(estatic)

You really liked them!

 

WANDA

Sure! It took a lotta guts for you to stand up in front of all these people…

(Looks around)

Well, these few people, well, me, and read your stuff out loud, here, in front of strangers…but I’m not that strange…

 

ELMER

What about the things that you DID hear? Did you like them?

 

WANDA

I liked the one about them lobsters dancing around on the beach.  On their matching towels.

 

ELMER

What? That’s a song from the jukebox, Wanda. Rock Lobster!

 

WANDA

It’s not my fault, Elmer. The bartender should’ve turned down the jukebox when you was reading your stuff. Although watching your lips move when you was reading and the music playing, it was like Karaoke night at the VFW!

 

ELMER

I spent months writing all this, Wanda. You weren’t paying attention at all. I may just write full time, Wanda. Quit my job. Maybe go back to school. I’m not too old.

 

WANDA

That’s a good idea. My mother went back to school when she was your age. Fifty.

 

ELMER

Correction: Forty nine.

 

WANDA

OK. Almost fifty. She was the oldest girl in the 7th grade.

 

ELMER

(Horn honks outside)

 

WANDA

That must be Clarence. He said he was gonna pick me up at 10.

 

ELMER

I didn’t know he has a car.

 

WANDA

He doesn’t. He takes the bus.

(stands)

 

ELMER

Then who is honking the horn?

 

WANDA

 

(takes coat)

The bus driver Elmer!

(goes to exit)

Thanks Elmer, I had a good time tonight.

 

ELMER

Sure you did. I’ll never be a famous writer.

 

WANDA

(Horn honks outside)

It takes real guts to do it here. Good night Elmer.

(Goes out door, then turns)

 You know Elmer, you may never be a famous writer, but you sure a good one.

(Exits)

 

ELMER

Thanks, Wanda!

(He picks up his beer and walks off)

 

THE END