Sponk
By Johnny Culver
917 691 6884
Characters
Zelda Ann Pisano, a loud
six year old girl.
Iris Rae Pisano, her bossy
mother
Angelo Mortimer Pisano,
her simple father
Rosalita Miller Pisano, the all
knowing grandmother, Angelo’s mother
Setting
The setting is a large
wooden porch attached to a sprawling wood and brick frame house in the small
town of Sponk on the East End of Long Island. The
front sidewalk and neat tree covered yard is also visible. To the side of the
house is parked a large wood paneled station wagon. The porch screen door leads inside. The town firehouse is across the street. The
time is late summer afternoon in the late seventies.
Scene One
About 3pm
ZELDA
(running on stage from station wagon and up
the wooden plank steps leading to the porch)
Shark! Everyone, run for
your lives! No one is safe! Lock up your silverware! Shark! Head to high
grounds!
IRIS
(following)
I told you, I warned
you...the lifeguard warned you…Zelda Ann, if you say that one more time-
(drops towels and cooler to the ground)
One more peep, and you are
going right to your room…with the windows nailed shut! And, knowing your
grandmother, I am sure her silverware is already locked up in a very safe
place. Thank goodness she isn’t here
right now to see this mess you’re dragging in…all that sand…
ZELDA
Out of the water! Gather
up your children! Head for the lighthouse!
(she stops and gasps for breath)
Lock…the …doors…
(collapses on steps)
IRIS
Take a breath, calm
down…you’re overheated. Calm down!
(Catching up to her)
Zelda Ann, there were no
sharks in the water at Sponk Beach, and there were no
sharks on the road to here, and there are no sharks here on your grandmothers
porch. So, just, calm down. Breathe normally.
ANGELO
(Entering with a large metal thermos)
Geez, Iris, letting Zelda
Ann scare the daylights out of everyone at the beach like that? What if someone
here remembers me from when I was growing up here? It’s been six years since I
left town, but I am sure they all remember me…
(peering into the thermos)
Darn it, all that powdered
lemonade has just stuck to the bottom of this thing.
(Gives it a hearty shake). I
I’ll have to use the
garden hose to get all this muck out! That is if, mother lets me near the hose. (he looks around)
Hey, Iris, remember that
thing we saw on the TV? The Wild Kingdom? The bears
using sticks to get the honey out of the bee hive? I could do the same thing,
in this particular situation!
IRIS
(snaps around)
Angelo Pisano, there is
not a stick to be found in this yard. Your mother keeps it looking like a
putting green! And the next time we get in that car, I want the windows rolled
down! I don’t care if you want people to think we have air conditioning in that
…boat!
(points to station wagon)
ANGELO
(remembering)
Every Wednesday morning,
when I was a little boy, we’d pickup sticks here in the front yard That’s right. And the
trash was picked up today too. Every Wednesday, ever since I
can remember. And mother goes to set up bingo at the VFW on Wednesday
afternoon, ever since I can remember.
(Points up the street)
And every Wednesday
afternoon, Uncle Miller would scrub the sidewalk in front of his hardware
store. And across the street, the fire men, wash their cars in front of the
firehouse, every Wednesday night. And-
IRIS
If we’re through with this
little trip down Memory Lane, Angelo…honestly, Sponk
has to be the cleanest town on Long Island! At least your mother was “nice”
enough to leave a key under the doormat for us-
ZELDA
That’s a secret! Like the
ten bucks you took out of Daddy’s wallet last week.
IRIS
(to Zelda)
Go inside, out of the sun,
you’re burned enough, young lady.
ZELDA
Shark ! Shark!
(Zelda opens the screen door and goes inside, slamming it shut)
IRIS
Quietly!
(she turns to Angelo )
I believe you allowed
Zelda Ann to watch Jaws at the movie
theater back home, when you were supposed to take her to see Bed knobs and Broomsticks! Don’t look so
surprised. I know where you two go when you leave the house together!
(She turns in the direction of her daughter)
And, you, Zelda Ann Pisano, I told you to keep
quiet all afternoon. The lifeguard gave you one more chance, remember?, We didn’t bring you all the way from Ohio, to have to lock
you up in this dusty old house! All alone!
ANGELO
This house isn’t that old,
Iris, and my mother lives here, and she dusts all the time,
(Iris throws up her hands in disgust)
They could keep each other
company when we go to the beach. And that scrawny lifeguard?
Geez, Iris, that boy couldn't scare a fly off a trash can full of your bad cole slaw.
(Iris glares and steps toward him)
Well, you do use too much
of that Ann Page mayonnaise in your cole slaw! Them poor flies would have a heart
attack!
ZELDA
That Aunt Page is always
loaning us stuff, but I never get to meet her…(to mother) But I wasn’t doing anything wrong in the water, just
throwing the seaweeds.
(Holds up a dirty plastic unclothed doll)
And Betty Link told me to
do that.
IRIS
That lifeguard said you
were making other little kids cry, hitting them over the head with seaweed…and
lifeguards don’t lie.
ZELDA
At least I didn’t throw no sharks at em. It’s hot in
there. We should turn on the fans.
(comes back out on porch)
IRIS
No fans
until your grandmother gets back from wherever she is. She doesn’t want us to be getting things
turned on when she is not home. Does she think we are incapable of…
(points at doll)
…and what happened to all
the clothes I made for that filthy doll of yours?
ZELDA
(holds up doll)
There was a terrible fire
in her trailer park, and she lost everything she owned; now she lives on the
streets – hitching-
(Iris snaps her fingers, silencing her)
ANGELO
That lifeguard certainly
does lie. When we stopped at the A and P before the beach, I was behind him at
the register, with my RC Cola and cheese curls and he told the cashier that he
was 18 and old enough to buy….beer!
(Thinks for a short moment)
Well, Mother’s not here,
I’m going to use the garden hose. I am experienced in water treatment. After
all, I am manger of the break room back home at the water treatment plant. The
biggest water treatment plant break room in Ohio! Four vending machines!
IRIS
Updating the cartoons on
the bulletin board in the break room, hardly makes you
an expert in water treatment.
ANGELO
(ignoring her)
What would she rather
have, her water bills a few pennies higher, or a metal cooler full of lemonade
muck?
ZELDA
Muck! Muck!
IRIS
Zelda Ann, go up to the
attic and look out the front window. Keep a look out for your grandmother. If
you see her, let us know, so we can put the hose away, and clean all this sand
off the porch before she gets to the house, all right?
ZELDA
I never met her. How do I
know what she looks like?
IRIS
(under her breath)
Remember the Wicked Witch?
ANGELO
She’ll be the only one
walking towards this house.
ZELDA
I’ll let you know...in
secret code!
ANGELO
You’ll have to tell us
what the secret code is, Zelda. Because if you yell it out, and we don’t know
the code, then how will we know that you are telling us that-
IRIS
Angelo, you’re making my
head hurt. Just go upstairs, Zelda Ann.
(Zelda goes in, with her dirty doll)
ANGELO
(Sets up garden hose)
Nothing has changed, Iris.
The house is still the same as I remember, from all those years ago. Remember I
used to drive all the way to Levittown and pick you up, then drive out here,
and we’d go to the beach…and hold hands…
(reaches for Iris’ hand)
IRIS
(slaps his hand away)
Will you stop getting so
sentimental? It’s only six years, since you left Sponk,
Angelo. How much can change in six
years? We’re married, we moved to Ohio, we have Zelda
Ann. What else?
ZELDA
(from inside door)
I wasn’t born six years
ago, I didn’t come here on vacation six years ago, and our car didn’t park here
in front of this house six years ago, and Gramma Rosalita didn’t make bean, beet and onion casserole with
onions six years ago…
IRIS
You keep out of that
kitchen young lady. You haven’t even met your grandmother yet. Maybe she
doesn’t want little girls snooping through her house. I was rarely allowed
inside, as I recall.
ZELDA
I didn’t go in no kitchen. I can smell the beans, beets and onions from
here.
ANGELO
(sniffs air)
Just like Mother used to
make…
IRIS
You mother did make it,
Angelo. That’s all she ever makes. And that’s enough, Zelda Ann Just go
upstairs.
(Zelda hangs by the screen door)
Speaking of smell, I can
smell those tomatoes on the porch all the way over here! They were bad enough
in the back of the car, on the way here, 12 hot hours, but now, this is too
much! We should have dropped them off at my dad’s. He lives near the Levittown
dump.
(a little quieter)
You know Angelo, I want to stop by the cemetery on the way back to
Ohio. Just to check in on Mom. I haven’t been there in so long.
ANGELO
I forgot about those
tomatoes. Mother will want them off the porch and in the barn. She won’t like ‘em there…like a farm stand…she’d have to be up pretty early
to sell em…No bugs in those tomatoes, no Beet
Leafhoppers in those tomatoes!
IRIS
Really Angelo, do you
think Rosalita is really going to use all of those
tomatoes before they go bad? Just because they came from your
garden? I’ll just carry them back to the car, out of sight. With the rest of them, still IN the car. We may be riding
back home in a vat of marinara sauce…
(sees newspaper)
The evening newspaper is
here already?
(Picks up papers from the porch)
I just don’t understand
this town, Angelo. Two newspapers a day? What can happen in eight hours?
ANGELO
(unrolling hose)
The morning Sponk Chronicle has all the news from yesterday and the
evening Sponk Chronicle has the TV listings for that
night and the ad for the A & P supermarket for the next day. And a repeat
of the news from the morning Sponk Chronicle…darned
hose…
IRIS
They could just put those
two things in the morning-
(eyes Angelo fumbling with the hose)
-forget
it.
ANGELO
You know this hose is just
the same as it was all those years ago too.
ZELDA
(from
inside)
Hey, I got an idea! Listen!
IRIS
If this has anything to do
with sharks, I don’t want to hear it. Just get upstairs.
ZELDA
Ok, ok. But it’s a good
idea.
IRIS
Just look at all the sand
we tracked onto the porch. Hurry up with that silly thermos, Angelo. I want you to clean all the sand of this
porch!
ZELDA
I’ll be upstairs...with
the sharks!
(pokes about behind screen door)
Hey, here’s the mail! That
mailman ain't so smart. He brings mail for the
Millers Hardware store here and-
IRIS
Leave your grandmothers
mail alone! And that’s her name, Miller, before she got married.
(to Angelo)
That
girl, honestly. I thought that trip from Ohio to here would calm her down, but she’s
just as unruly as ever.
ANGELO
Maybe she caught
something, in the back of the car with all those tomatoes. A
bug or something. Maybe it’s the Beet Leafhopper!
IRIS
Shut up,
Angelo.
ANGELO
Can’t blame her, she’s
just excited to meet her only grandmother for the first time, and so am I…I
mean to see my mother, but not for the
first time. Not my grandmother.
Not that I wouldn’t be excited to see her, but she’s not around no more-
IRIS
Angelo,
just hose out the thermos, and hurry. Your mother is going to be back any minute…this
is not much of a vacation so far…your mother always makes me so tense, ever since I first met her….I’d be more relaxed if I
slept in the car!
ZELDA
Then you’d smell
like...tomatoes!
IRIS
If I hear one more word
about those tomatoes, we are packing up the car and going home! No more
tomatoes! The next person that says that word is going to get it! And good!
ANGELO
(Winding up hose)
What word?
IRIS
(at wits end)
Tomatoes!! Tomatoes!!
ROSALITA
(Enters from around corner, carrying paper shopping bag)
What about tomatoes?
ANGELO
Mother! I was just…
(drops the tangled hose.
…using
the hose.
I’ll have it put away in a few minutes. Hello, Mother.
ROSALITA
Angelo Mortimer Pisano!
You couldn’t wind up a garden hose back then, and you can’t wind it up today.
That’s why it’s always been off limits to you, young man.
(to Iris)
Hello, there Iris. He
would leave the hose out in the front yard here, all tangled and strewn about.
This place looked like a…filling station! What an embarrassment it was, living
right across from the town fire station and all. Just leave the hose there;
I’ll wind it up myself later. After I clean up all this sand from the walk and-
(looks at porch)
-the
porch.
I just had it whitewashed. That sand will scrape off all the new paint
IRIS
I can handle that, Rosie.
(Zelda quietly comes onto the porch, partially out of sight)
ROSALITA
That water treatment plane
he manages must be a real mess, too.
IRIS
Manages? How have you
been, Rosie?
ROSALITA
I am as good as can be
considering I have a son who comes to visit me once a year, and a granddaughter
I am going to meet for the first time.
(heads in direction of the car)
You made her sit in there
all afternoon? In this heat? Your parenting skills
leave a little to be desired, Iris.
(looks in)
She must be covered by all
those tomatoes…
IRIS
(stopping her)
No, Rosie, we went to the
beach, we just got back. We tracked in a little sand.
ANGELO
(attempting to impress his mother)
I think she could figure
that out, Iris. I don’t think all that sand just walked here from the beach on
its own two feet.
IRIS
…Angelo Mortimer…
ANGELO
(going a bit too far)
Maybe she thinks that
sharks dragged the sand back from the beach. Right Mother, sharks?
ROSALITA
You need to stay out of
the sun, Angelo. There are no sharks around-
ZELDA
(Jumping out to top of steps, running in circles)
Shark! Everyone, run for
your lives! No one is safe! Lock up your silverware! Shark!
(throws Betty Link into the yard)
Feed on this, Shark!
IRIS
Quiet.
ZELDA
(running in circles)
Shark! Head to high
grounds! Head for the lighthouse!
IRIS
STOP!
ZELDA
(stops)
Shark-
ROSALITA
Well, who have we here?
(Goes to Zelda and looks her over)
Angela Rosalita Pisano, nice to meet you.
(Zelda stares blankly at her)
Angela Rosalita
Pisano!
(Zelda stares)
IRIS
Uh, Rosie, there’s
something I have to tell you.
ROSALITA
She’s not deaf, is she?
ANGELO
After all that screaming,
she may have a little ring in her ears, but-
IRIS
Rosie-
ROSALITA
Why don’t you answer me?
Don’t you know who I am?
ZELDA
I don’t know who you’re
talking to. And I’ve never seen you before.
ROSALITA
Why, I am speaking to you,
Angela. I ‘m your grand mother!
ZELDA
I’m not Angela, I’m Zelda,
and I‘ve never seen a grandmother before, except on The Waltons,
and she’s a whole lot smaller.-
ROSALITA
Zelda? I thought your name was
Angela Rosalita Pisano?
(turns to Angelo)
Angelo, what is the
meaning of this? What’s going on.
ANGELO
Well, I…
IRIS
Rosie, we named her after
my mother, Zelda Annette-
ZELDA
Never
met her, though.
IRIS
It was Angelo’s idea. Right?
(Hands on hips and glares at Angelo)
ROSALITA
(Hands on hips and glares)
Angelo Mortimer, is this
true?
ZELDA
(Hands on hips and glares)
Yea, is this true?
ANGELO
(Looks down, and picks up dirty doll)
Your
turn, Betty Link.
(Turns to Rosalita)
Well, Mother, We didn’t name her Angela,
because...because-
IRIS
Because Angleo here was
worried that if we named her Angela, people would think they were twins!
Honestly, father and daughter…
(Rosalita stares at her)
So we named her after my
mother, instead. The late Zelda Annette Rae.
ROSALITA
Poor thing must have died
from embarrassment.
ANGELO
No, actually she was hit
by a garbage truck in Levittown. Never saw it coming. The town
dump right by their house. Kapow!
(Hits doll out of his hands, letting it fall to the ground)
IRIS
As I am
reminded of by your mother at every chance.
ANGELO
I can still remember going
to pick up Iris for our dates, and there was her mother, coming back from that
smelly dump with some old furniture, or a paper bag of dented cans. Iris,
remember sometimes you would hitch a ride out here and we’d hitch to the beach?
IRIS
All right Angelo, that’s
about enough reminiscing for one afternoon.
ANGELO
(changing subject)
Well there’s nothing like
the clean air here in Sponk. You can just smell the
salty ocean breezes…
(takes a deep breath)\
…and the bean, beet and
onion casserole!
ROSALITA
My casserole! Come along…whatever
your name is, we have to get that to that casserole before it burns to a crisp.
(takes Zelda by the hand and starts to drag
her up to the porch)
IRIS
(under her breath)
Why start now…I think
you’re too late…
ZELDA
(stops down to pick up her dirty doll.)
Come on Betty Link, we
have a casserole to rescue!
ROSALITA
Oh, and Iris, I know how
terribly allergic you are to my bean, beet and onion casserole, so maybe you’d
like to cut up a few of those tomatoes for yourself…providing there none of
those pesky beet leafhoppers lurking in there! Bring those shopping bags
inside, Angelo. Come along, Angela-
ZELDA
-Zelda
ROSALITA
If you are staying in my
house, young lady, then you will be called… Angela Rosalita
Pisano!
(they go in)
ANGELO
See, Iris, everything is
hunky dory. I can’t wait to stay in my old room. I hope the Bozo sheets are
still on the bed…
IRIS
(sighs)
So far, but we have six
days to go…
ZELDA
(offstage)
Shark! Shark!
ANGELO
Just like back in my break
room, I have everything under control-
(He picks up shopping bags, steps on garden hose, causing water to
spray on him, and trips back into the hedge. I sis puts her hands on her hips
and shakes her head, as the scene ends)
END OF SCENE ONE
Scene Two
The next
evening.
It is hot and humid.
ROSALITA and ANGELO sit in aluminum chairs on the porch. ZELDA is on an
old rusty tricycle, riding back and porch, her dirty doll in one hand. We hear muted
disco music in the foreground.
ANGLEO
I had forgotten how hot it
gets here in Sponk, it's hot like this back in the break room at the water
treatment plant, when the steam pipes are on full blast, in the winter.
ROSALITA
(looking up from newspaper)
When I was a little girl,
on hot evenings like this, my father would close the hardware store early, pack
us all up into the panel truck and we would take a nice cool ride to the beach.
The whole Miller family!
ZELDA
Did ya
see any sharks?
ANGELO
That’s a great idea. Are you up for it, Zelda Ann?
Maybe later?
(Zelda ignores him)
I mean… Angela Rosalita…
(Angelo looks up street)
But I bet the hardware store is closed already...
ZELDA
Will ya
roll down the windows this time? I don’t wanna stick
to the seat again.
(rubs her legs)
Like a hot skinned Indian!
ROSALITA
What a lively girl you
are, Angela Rosalita Pisano, and what an imagination!
And whatever put sharks into your head? Why I've lived here my whole life and
I've never even seen a shark!
ZELDA
You will when you hear
this...
(yells
JAWS theme and holds up doll)
BUM BUM
BUM…and suddenly young Betty Link floats lifeless...in a sea of red-
ANGELO
(interrupting)
I…uh, it’s an old game
they play in Ohio. Sharks and Indians!
ROSALITA
Sharks? But Ohio isn’t near any
ocean…whatever! I’m glad you don’t waste gasoline on refrigerated car air. Very frugal of you. Angelo. And, young lady, a glass of my
iced tea will cool you right down.
(Leans in to screen door)
None of that powdered mix
that some mothers use, either!
(a
pot crashes in the kitchen)
Is everything all right in
there, Iris? MY tea is made with real
lemons and real Ann Page teabags!
ZELDA
That Aunt Page sure does
get around! She lets us borrow her mayonnaises back home…and catsup…
ROSALITA
(calls into house)
You may want to take those
tomatoes out of the car this evening, Iris! I don’t know why you took them off
the porch here and put them back into your hot car. You can put them in the
barn out back.
(pauses and listens)
I guess she can’t hear me
with the water running in there. She sure does use a lot of water to wash
dishes, Angelo. That old well out back must be dry as a bone.
(to Angelo)
Maybe they have some
pamphlets on water conservation down at that water treatment plant that you run.
ANGELO
If people conserved water,
we would have no bad water to treat, and I’d be out of a job…no break room, er, treatment plant, to maintain…
ZELDA
Like throwing the baby outta the bathtub-
ROSALITA
Angelo, have Iris take
those tomatoes right into the kitchen. After she’s through with the dishes,
that is. Then she won’t have to carry them a second time when canning starts. Tomorrow at noon. Promptly.
(a
pot crashes in the kitchen)
ANGELO
Wanna go for a walk, Angela Rosalita…?
ZELDA
Make up your mind! Walk or
car ride!
ANGELO
We gotta
save gasoline. We don’t wanna run out of gas on the
way back to Ohio.
ROSALITA
(correcting)
Got to and want to, Angelo. Is that how you speak
to your employees?
ANGELO
We got to save
gasoline. We don’t want to run out of gas on the way back to Ohio.
ZELDA
Then we’d have to hitch!
ROSALITA
No dear, only…loose women…hitch.
(a
third pot crashes in the kitchen)
ZELDA
You hear that, Betty
Link? We gotta
tighten you up. All your looseness.
ANGELO
Got
to.
(Stands and looks across the street)
That’s a lotta music coming from the firehouse.
ZELDA
(smugly)
Lot
of.
ANGELO
(ignoring her)
I don’t know if that’s
right. The firemen across the street, using water that you
put fires out with to their wash cars. What if there’s a fire and the
waters all gone? At the water treatment plant, we –
ROSALITA
The music from the fire
station is a bit loud, isn’t it? I guess I’ve just gotten used to it. My Angelo, always thinking. Angela Rosalita,
you ride that tricycle as well as your father did, years ago, although he was a
bit older than you are …
(Iris appears in the doorway, a dishtowel in her hand)
Oh, Iris, my, done with
the dishes already? With all that water you used, the whole kitchen should be
clean…and very wet.
ZELDA
We’ll have to look under the table for sharks.
IRIS
(Ignoring her)
Rosalita, you must feel pretty
safe, having the firehouse right across from your place. If there’s ever a fire in the house or out
back barn–
ZELDA
Or if you fall-ded and can’t get up.
ANGELO
Or if
your cat got stuck in a tree.
IRIS
(Snapping dishtowel across the screen)
Angelo Mortimer Pisano, do
you see a cat around here? Have you ever seen a cat around this house?
ZELDA
Kitties make you all sneezy. I sure like the cat food, though.
ANGELO
I’m going for a soft serve
cone at the A & P. No one will make fun of me there.
ROSALITA
Speaking of, we have some
Ann Page Vanilla in the freezer.
(The music from the firehouse grows louder).
Save your money.
ZELDA
She musta
followed us here! (peers
over porch) Com’on Ann, we know you’re out there!
ANGELO
That loud music, Mother,
doesn’t it bother you? I could have a word with those firemen, if you want me
to. I remember some of them from way back when.
IRIS
(Turns toward door)
I want nothing to do with
this, Angelo. We want to be welcome here…next year!
ROSALITA
No, Angelo, it’ll be fine.
You two go get your soft serve cones. We ladies will be here when you come
back.
(holds up doll)
Even the
loose ones.
ANGELO
Let’s go, Zelda Ann. Time
to visit the A and P.
(Heading down wooden steps to sidewalk, he calls out to the fireman across
the street)
You guys had better not be
bothering my mother with that music of yours. She needs her quiet. So does her
cat, wherever it is.
(Zelda tugs at his hand, pulling him along).
And leave some water for
the fires.
(On the porch, Rosalita hides her face in her
hands, and Iris coveres her own mouth)
OFFSTAGE VOICE #1
Hey, guys, look! It’s
Rigger Morty! And he’s not on his tricycle! Rigger Morty! Who’s yer girlfriend?
OFFSTAGE VOICE #1
Whatta ya
gonna do, Angelo Mortimer? Oooh
we’re scared!
ANGELO
You’re all a bunch
of…firemen! Com’on. Zelda Ann
(They head off)
I told them! I’d like to see their break room…
ZELDA
(Waves and calls to firemen)
My name is Betty Link, and
I enjoy beekeeping and line dancing and I’m loose and I hitch –
(her father yanks her off)
IRIS
(Coming thru screen door) Sometimes, Rosalita,
that man can be a little…
ROSALITA
Stupid?
IRIS
I didn’t say that!
TO BE CONTINUED