Johnny Culver




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Copyright 2009 Johnny Culver


(In his dingy bedroom, he clears throat and speaks to audience)

“Bernice the Skunk Who Thought She Could Throw Her Voice” by Wally Goldstein, of Apartment 12-D, Coney Island Houses, New York, 11359.”

(Points to self)

That’s me. Once upon a time, after a dinner of grubs and beetles, Bernice the skunk sat in her cold cave watching $10,000 Pyramid. Her mother lay snoring on the couch. Suddenly a mysterious voice rang through the air. “I hate you and you stink!” the voice said. Bernice’s mother awoke with a snort. “Who said that?” she mumbled. “Not me.” said Bernice’s mothers TV Guide. Bernice giggled. “Not me.” said Bernice’s mothers pack of Viceroy Cigarettes. Bernice suppressed a smile.


MA (off)

Wally? Has my son locked himself in the bedroom again? Wally, such bad behavior.



(Ignores her)

“Not me.” said Bernice’s mothers jelly glass full of gin. Bernice covered her snout to hide her amusement.


MA (off)

Wallace? Is that you in there? Don’t make me have to bang on the door! Every day more trouble.



(Ignores her, speaks louder)

 “Not me.” said Bernice’s mothers dirty bathrobe. Bernice slunk down into her nest of twigs to keep from guffawing out loud. “Not me.” said Bernice’s father, his suitcase in hand; ready to leave the cave for good. Bernice curled into a ball, shaking with laughter. “Not me. Said-


MA (off)

Do I have to get your father to come up here with the belt? Up from the street?  He won’t like it.



(Goes to window)

“Not me, said Bernice’s mothers overdue Sears Roebuck bill. Not me, said her mother’s smelly-“

(Opens window)


MA (off)

Is that the window I hear being opened? Wallace Goldstein, you’re letting all the heat out! Open this door! This is not very manly of you, Wally; you’re acting just like your sister! A girl!




(Climbs on window sill)

“Bernice the Skunk couldn’t hide her laughter any longer, so she stood, turned to her mother and looked her right in her worn, angry, unloving eyes, and said…goodbye.”

(He jumps. Blackout)